Monday, March 14, 2011


I will never forget the day, after all, it was the Worst day of my life (at that time). I woke up to my brother Matt screaming "Mom is dead". I raced out of bed and ran upstairs, not believing him. But he was right and  altho I remember looking at her and it was the ugliest thing I had ever experienced, God was so gracious and answering my prayer that I would never visually remember it.
The next year was the loneliest in my life. I remember crying everyday, sobbing-many times uncontrollably for hours, for the next 4 1/2 months. Mom's death was sudden and totally unexpected. I had no time to prepare and it turned my world totally upside down. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to function. And I literally felt like I had no one to go to.
GOD was there. I was a relatively new believer but I knew He was there. I cried out to Him again and again. I didn't think I could make it. But I did.
I don't think I even knew this verse was there.

" I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, even to the end of the age"

He was, but I wasn't always cognizant of it. I was completely grief stricken and didn't know how I would do life..didn't know who I would turn to.
It was lonely and miserable in ways that words can't describe.
But I did begin to know more of God, more of His constancy in my life, and began turning to Him more and more.
As I look back now, I know that God knew. That He was my shelter, my safety, my Rock of Refuge.
I often wonder if I would have completely sought God if my mom had not died. But I did and my life changed forever. It was then that I really knew and experienced that God would never leave me, He would never forsake me. I would never have to do life without Him. He would always be there. It was a very comforting promise for this naive 21 yr old.
Now I have had a worse day than this, but its not for this blog.
But fast forward 30+ years and I began to experience this same kind of loneliness again.
Scud had accepted the position of administrative manager for Woodleaf and it took 13 months for me to follow him up there. Not because I was dragging my feet, but because I was given the most wonderful task of cleaning up our home and getting it ready to sell (of course, all with Todd's help), and then there was Kristi's engagement to Adam and getting ready for the wedding.
So I arrived at Woodleaf on June 1, 2007 and began head long into summer. Which is busy, exhausting and crazy..but oh so much fun.
Then September arrived and the camp was frighteningly quiet. And Lonely.
I had no one-or so it felt like.
For the next 6 months , I experienced a different and yet seemingly familiar loneliness. I had left San Jose and everything I knew-except for Scud. Most of my kids were there, my lifetime friends were there, the church we attended , and the job that I loved.  Everything I knew and held dear was gone.
Sure, I lived in a place of stunning beauty-but even that didn't help. And then, in the midst of the beginning of this period, I developed a superficial blood clot and had to stay put and stay off my feet.
I cried out again and again to the LORD. I was sure He hadn't brought me up to Woodleaf to die. BUT if felt like it. And poor Scud, he had to live thru all this with me. And I let him have my frustration time and time again.
It was during this period, when I was desperately missing everything that was dear to me, that I began to remember again that God would never leave me or forsake me. That I was not alone-even tho it certainly felt like it.
I wrestled for months with the question : "If God was ALL i had, would that be enough?"
It really did take 6 agonizing months to realize that YES if GOD was all I had it would be enough. Because I remembered how faithful He was to me when my mom had died, and how he had been with me during a very tumulutous 10 years that Scud and I had experienced only recently.
AND THEN I finally realized, even tho I knew it in my mind, that GOD truly was THE ONLY ONE who would always be there for me. I had learned that He was there for me after both of my parents deaths and when I hurt so bad after each of the kids left for college....and EVEN now when everything that was good, everything that I cherished was not around. He still was...and He wasn't going anywhere.
That HE would ALWAYS BE THERE... even if Scud dies before me (which is definitely not part of my plan) or something were to happen to those I love with all that is within me. GOD WILL STILL BE THERE.

Matthew 28:20

Oh how I cling to this promise.

1 comment:

  1. what a beautiful reminder missy. it's easy to lose sight of God's constant presence and begin to look to others to fill our empty places. thank you.