Followers

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Speaking up



I was 19 years old. A sophmore in college having such a fun and independent time. I met up one weekend when I was home with an old boyfriend. We drank way too much and slept together (altho I have to admit it wasn't the 1st time this happened with him). What I did not expect was to find out 6 weeks later that I was pregnant.
I was lost. I was scared. I told him and he asked me to marry him. I said yes. We told our parents and started to plan a wedding.

What I had never anticipated was that during this time-after I found out and before I told him, I began a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I had been raised a Catholic and knew always that God was real. But somehow it was never communicated to me in ten years of Catholic schools, that God wanted to be involved in my life every single day. This was such amazing and wonderful news to me. I will never get over that astounding fact. I am so thankful that a college crush told me about Jesus. I will forever be grateful to him for introducing me to Jesus.

Now, how do I tell my parents? WHAT do I do now?
In those days we had "dorm mothers" instead of RA's or she would have been RD now. She told me that Washington was one of the only states that had legalized abortion. This whole concept was completely foreign to me.

I was a complete mess. Couldn't concentrate on my studies, got 3 D's that semester. What made me lean towards ending this baby's life was that the guy-my now fiancee, made fun of me about my relationship with Jesus. He called me a "Jesus freak", the 70's term for a follower of Christ. I knew this was real and that I would never walk away from Jesus-or was pretty sure I wouldn't.
This boy had cheated on me while we were dating when I was in high school and I wondered if he would cheat on me if we were married. I decided to end our engagement. And with much anguish (and even talking to a pastor who didn't dissuade me against the abortion), I decided to terminate this little life.

Believe me I regret that decision to this day. Adoption was never mentioned as an option. I felt I had no way out.

Which is how many women and young gals feel when they go to have an abortion. We can't see beyond our circumstances at that moment. We feel we have no other choice.
It isn't easy at all. You still are a mess afterwards.
I know with me, that I considered this the worst sin I would ever commit, and it was. 
What I do remember was God's immediate forgiveness on that table. I asked Him to forgive me and He immediately did. 
Yes, I have suffered consequences from my decision. The hardest person to ever tell about this was my future husband and then 22 years later, our three children (Ryan wasn't with us yet). My now husband and almost 16 yr old son basically said the same thing: "If God forgives you, how can I do anything but do the same?".

I am pro-life. I detest abortion. I don't like it. But I know what it's like to be in that desperate situation when you see no way out. I imagine most women in my position feel the same way.
But Pro-life to me means more than just abortion. It means end of life care. It means caring for all lives. Not just Americans. It means treating everyone with respect and valuing them-no matter if they are brown or black or yellow in color. It means caring for people with disabilities, whether they are physical or emotional. 

This weeks decisions in Alabama and Missouri has re-surfaced my feelings of desperation. I hope they mean to convey that children should be wanted and loved and that is all they mean. The representative from Missouri who said there is conceptual rape has been wrongly and grossly misinformed. Being pro-life is more than just about babies.

I have to speak up because we tend to judge people by their words.
I don't care if you judge me. But I do care that you judge women who are desperate, for the LGTBQ population who are different than you, for the immigrants who have a different skin color and are separated from their children as they try to enter a country that offers freedom (or so they heard). 
I don't believe we can speak judgement on people when we haven't been in their shoes, when we haven't experienced what they have had to go through. We can have our thoughts but do we have the right or the responsibility to judge others and speak out about it when we can't possibly understand their lives.

I know abortion is something that grieves the heart of God. I also know He forgives. I know treating immigrants as if they didn't matter and we shame them grieves His heart as well. I know how we treat and respond to people who are gay, the LBGTQ community are God's children, and as with all others, we may not agree with them, but each one of us throughout our world are to be respected and loved, because we are all God's children.

My oldest daughter, who I was really afraid to tell about my abortion said something to me that I will never forget. She offered forgiveness and grace when she told me: "Mom that is not who you are, you are a woman who loves God and shows me God".
That is what I hope we can offer all those who have had to experience abortions.

I don't have the mind of Christ in many things, but I do have an everyday relationship with him for the past 47+ years. I know He loves me in spite of the decision I made all those years ago. I know His complete forgiveness. I know He has used my pain to show others how much He loves and delights in us. I know that Jesus doesn't advocate abortion; believe me I KNOW.
But I also know that it isn't my right to judge others, to put my beliefs on them. I know that GOD calls me to love all and respect them as His children.

Matthew 7:1-2 in the New Living Translation says:

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.  For you will be treated as you treat others.The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.

May we not judge but love.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

SO LONG 2018

As we begin a new year, I can honestly say that I am looking forward to it.
2018 was a very different, and often hard year. But there were also many blessings.

2018 brought about an extensive surgery for my 7 1/2 yr old grandson to try and fix his hip. He had been diagnosed with Perthes disease in 2015, but instead of getting better as the doctors had hoped, it progressively got worse, necesitating the surgery. After 3 months, it looked like the surgery had failed, but after 6 months, there was marked improvement and it looks very hopeful.

My sweet mother-in-law, who suffered from severe dementia and Alsheimer’s went home to Jesus on June 5. As we travelled to Texas on June 6, we got word that our son Todd and his wife Katy, had just become parents to a little girl named Maggie Jo. A full circle of life in a mere 24 hours. So many conflicting emotions followed but grateful for the life of Eloise Scudder, because without her, I wouldn’t have met or married Scud, my  partner and love of my life.

Early in the morning of June 30, Scud woke me up to tell me he didn’t feel well. He had never done this in our 42 years of marriage and he reports that I sat up in bed and asked, “Are you having a heart attack?”  Well, it turns out he was. Thankfully we had an ER doctor as the camp doctor that week, and along with our 2 EMT’s, he was life flighted out of Woodleaf at 2:30am. Two very dear friend at camp then drove me to the hospital.
Scud had a 100% blockage of his main coronary artery and some blockage in 3 of the others. The cardiologist placed a stent and told me that he was “glad you took the helicopter and not the ambulance”. I was glad too.
Quite honestly, the next 6 months had me living in fear, that it would happen again. That this time, we  wouldn’t have an MD close by. All sorts of fears besetted me, while Scud changed patterns in his life by getting exercise, losing 20 pounds and being so grateful to be alive.  I purposed that I would not start 2019 with fears and with the LORD’s deliverance, I am anticipating what’s next rather than being afraid that I might lose Scud at a moment’s notice.

2018 was yet another year to watch my daughter who suffers from the debilitating, chronic illness of Ehlers Danlos, to get sicker and sicker. to have 3 procedures of a blood patch to reduce spinal fluid leaks, to other procedures trying to allow her digestive system to work. It is a constant battle to one minute trust God for what He is doing in her life, to agonizing over watching her suffer. I truly believe in a GOD who loves her way more than I ever could and trust HIM with giving her what she needs day to day. But it is struggle.

2018 also brought about some significant losses. Dear friends in Texas lost their son in a terrible car accident, had a dear sweet friend move and lost the best boss I ever had as he took a new position in Young Life. And we are enduring the loss of a family members marriage that has been so hard for all of us.

It is definitely in the hard time of above that I realize God’s faithfulness to me. Begin to understand that HE is ALWAYS with me and that I am never alone. I realize that He loves me and those I love with unconditional love and that His plans are often beyond my comprehension, and YET, He knows what He is doing. I have grown deeper in my love for the LORD because of how HE has held me in supported me this year (and always for that matter!)

But oh there were blessings too. Numerous and wonderful. The picture at the top is the favorite one I took on our “bucket list trip”. In October, we went back east for 2 full weeks visiting dear dear friends and seeing the spectacular fall colors of New York and Vermont. There wan’t a day when we didn’t say to each other: “can you believe this beauty” or God is certainly the brilliant artist”. The colors were incredibly beautiful and you should plan a trip east-especially us Californians because we never see these amazing colors here.
A HUGE THANK YOU to the Hazard’s, Morgan McGhee, YL Saranc Lake and the Kane’s for hosting us.

Even in spite of Scud’s “event” as he refers to his heart attack, we had another incredible year of summer interns who worked tirelessly, one particularly in the middle of the night, without complaining and serving Christ very sacrificially. And another HUGE thanks to the Freemyers for their invaluable service in loving these amazing young adults.
Being an Intern Boss has always been the highlight for me of living at Woodleaf. What a privilege it has been to know and love thee young adults over12 summers. I have learned so much from them and been incredibly blessed being one of their leaders. I truly thank God for the blessings of the college aged kids who have served faithfully over the years. I turned in my resignation by word of mouth in December, that my time has come to an end as one of the leaders. (This time its real WINTERNS). After last summer, I realized how precious life is and I want to be able to see my grandkids more and visit friends too.
One other blessing that brought home the preciousness of ife was achieving 5 years of being cancer free this past September. THANK YOU LORD.

One of the highlights of my year was being chosen to participate in Young Life’s Good Way Cohort. We started in October meeting for 2 days and will meet again for 3 days at the end of January and April. The purpose of this time is to teach us and help us be more contemplative, To listen and not speak as much. To be silent and try to listen very carefully to what God ha to say to us, without us (me) doing all the talking.  This is something I have longed for -for quite some time.

Although 2018 was different, it was also very very good. My two biggest blessings were that God spared Scud’s life and that we have an adorable little girl who actually looks like a Scudder in our family after 3 amazing little boys.
My prayer is that 2019 will draw each of us closer to Jesus Christ and that we will become the person He envisions us to be.