I had the tremendous privilege and blessing of being a nurse consistently for 31 years.
I absolutely loved being a nurse. I had so many different types of positions from staff nurse in a hospital, to being a home health nurse, working for the County Medi-Cal program and for being a clinic RN at Packard Children's Hospital.
I didn't realize until I moved to Woodleaf how much nursing was a part of me.
I mean, I knew I loved nursing, but I had no concept of how much being a nurse played into my life. I worked hard, was always learning new things, took the best care of my patients that I possibly could. I was thanked every single day by someone-whether it be my patient or a family member or by a doctor. I was fortunate that I always had above average reviews. But I never quite got it that so much of who I was, how I viewed myself was because of how people reacted to me as a nurse. Way too much of my self esteem came from my nursing.
Everyday I was appreciated for what I did to make someone more comfortable, or how I might have saved a life.
God had given me such a blessing in my nursing career and too often, I thought it was me. How I cared for people, instead of how God gifted me with empathy and a caring heart. Sometimes, I'm just such a slow learner.
In all my years of nursing, I had the privilege of praying for my patients and many times with my patients. It was so beneficial to know that God always is about a spiritual healing as well as the physical, and to have been given the opportunity to share Jesus with a scared patient or parent was an incredible bonus.
Without a doubt, my least favorite activity in all my years of nursing, was being the nurse that was needed to assist a doctor in the circumcision of a baby boy. If you haven't seen one, I would never advise it.
First of all, you must put a baby in an infant seat type device, then you strap them in, with both their arms and legs. Then you watch the MD anesthetize the babe and put a pacifier in their mouth so they will suck, which helps soothe them for what comes next. The doctor then puts a bell type thing on the babys penis and begins to cut away the top of the foreskin. So for me to watch this is absolutely agonizing. I know the baby isn't completely anesthesized and there has to be pain. It is painful to watch. After the procedure is over, I quickly clean up and take the poor little guy to his mom and teach circumcision care and tell her to feed him for comfort.
I was reminded yesterday of how much I DID NOT LIKE circumcisions when I read in Dueteronomy that the LORD tells us :
Circumcise your hearts.
God wants to cut away the bad parts of our hearts.
Just as the doctor wants to remove the foreskin of a little boys penis, God wants to remove the foreskin of what He sees to be detrimental to our lives.
I want those parts of me to be cut away.
I don't like them either.
In fact, I know all the parts I want cut out of my life.
I want my selfishness gone.
I don't want to be judgemental.
I want those thoughts that aren't nice to be gone, and am grateful that God doesn't let anyone else know them.
I want to be rid of the part of me that is jealous for what others might have that I don't. I know I don't really need more, its just that I think sometimes I should have what others possess.
I want to permanently obliterate any pride that resides in me.
I don't want to have that part of me that thinks I have the right answers always.
I desire to be rid of those words that come out of my mouth that hurt others.
Just thinking about what needs to be gone in my life is even more painful than watching a baby's circumcision.
Already today, God is cutting away parts of me He wants gone. It isn't fun and I am hurting inside.
I know it needs to be done and I am thankful right now that my GOD loves me so much that He won't let me stay the way I am. That He wants to get rid of those parts that don't look like His Son. I want that too.
Just wish there was an easier way.