One of THOSE days

Today is one of THOSE days.
The kind you wish you didn't have to go thru.
The kind you wish not even your worst enemy had to endure.

One of THOSE days when you wonder.
Wonder if God sees the pain.
Wonder if HE cares.
Wonder why.
Why her? Hasn't she been through enough?
Hasn't she suffered enough?
Why not me, Lord?

It is one of THOSE days when your own faith shakes to the core.
Those days when you rely heavily on the prayers of others to get you through it.
THOSE Days when you thank GOD for friends who uphold you, who call you and pray with you, who text you often.

It is one of THOSE days when you recall the instances of God's faithfulness and hope with all hope that HE is going to come thru as He has promised.
It is one of THOSE days.
I Know deep within me, that God is in Control.
But oh how I wish the circumstances were different.

Those dreams that die.
They are the hardest.
Sometimes they are the cruelest.

Today is the day our daughter Katie had one of her lifelong dreams die. 
She played with dolls for the longest time. She always wanted to be a mommy. 
When she met Nate, they began to pray for their own baby. They began to try for that baby.
Today, is the day, their dream of having a child from Katie died.

Today is one of THOSE days.
The day you wished your daughter did not have to have a hysterectomy. The pain that ransacked her body for at least 2 1/2 weeks every month, so often incapacitating her, had won.
Today is one of THOSE Days.
The kind you wish the doctor had one more option-but he doesn't.

So today, the dream of having her own child died.

I have a very good friend who texted me today about those dreams of ours that die. It is in those dreams, that God begins to do something new, something HE has planned. Something that if really dwelt on, we could get excited about the possibilities.
I know this will come.
I know HE cares. 
I know HE loves Katie more than I ever could, more than Nate ever could.
But today I grieve for her dream that will never be fulfilled.
I mourn with her and Nate.

I look forward to the better days. The days where the light shines again. The days when it "feels" like God is with you and blessing you.
It is just in the harsh realities that sometimes my vision gets impaired.
Believe me, I know so many have it way worse than Katie.
I hate the suffering many have to endure.

Today is one of THOSE days.
Where I just want to give into my feelings and cry. and I have.

I know that God does not waste our pain, our anguish, our broken dreams. I really do know that. It's just that, today, I wish it was my broken dream, my pain.
What I wouldn't do to trade places with my gal.

But today, I will treasure the gift of friends and how they have ministered to me.
I will relish the afternoon hike with my two grandsons, a great respite in the sadness.

I will look forward to the days ahead and wait expectedly for God to show His goodness and grace-just like He always does.

Today is just one of THOSE days.

WILL HE PROVIDE

One week ago tonight, I flew home after spending six days in Texas. I was in San Antonio for our annual Young Life College Summit. It was an absolutely incredible time to see where we have come and where we want to go in our ministry to college students.
I was privileged to lead 200+ people in prayer. We prayed to hear from the LORD, to spend time just with Him; we prayed for our families and we prayed for our individual college ministries. We took time to pray for each other's needs on stickies that were posted on the walls.

I took home all those stickies and have been praying over them this week. I have been stirred, heartbroken and challenged to be faithful to pray for my fellow YLC staffers.

But I must confess, I have wondered often, if God will answer all these prayers. Is He paying attention to those that are hurting? Those who are really struggling with family issues? Those who need money to keep their ministry going? Those who are questioning their call?
I have cried over some requests and been thankful over others. I have been humbled and challenged. I want to pray more and ask the LORD of the Harvest to bring more workers so that our college age friends can know the love and grace of Jesus Christ. I want us, the YLC staff to be pray-ers. That we would be people who continually sought Jesus in our lives, and for our ministry, that it would become so normal for us to go to Jesus for His help whenever we faced challenges.

It is hard to admit that I am not always the first one to go to Jesus when certain things happen. I believe its a process that we get better at the longer we see God's trustworthiness in our lives. 
It isn't always easy, is it?

But this week, I have seen God provide in ways that have humbled me and left me awed with immense gratitude.
You see, I got home and realized that next week on Monday, our youngest daughter will have a hysterectomy.
Katie and Nate have been through the wringer with her health issues since they were married four years ago. She has been dealing with health issues from the time she was 13 and broke her back playing basketball.
She has suffered from Stage 4 endometriosis for years and has had countless surgeries for this extremely painful condition. She has been so incapacitated by pain that Katie has been unable to work for 2 years now. They have tried to get pregnant for at least three years. After test after test with a fertility specialist, they were told that her eggs were damaged and the chances of getting pregnant were almost nil.
Yet the pain continued week after week.
Why should she continue to live in pain if she will never be able to give birth? Her doctor has recommended a hysterectomy for 16 months, and next week, she will undergo the operation.

Their medical expenses have been huge, even after what the insurance has covered.
So I had the idea to try and raise some money for Katie and Nate.
That in itself was a really scary thing for me to do.
Would people give?
Would they think it was necessary?
Would they think I was being opportunistic?
Would they think bad of Katie?

I was very hesitant to do this, but I wrote something and then posted it on Go fund me. (see: http://www.gofundme.com/hcpdk4) 
I pushed "Post" and prayed.

Would God provide people to help them with all their medical bills? Would we get even $1000.? Would people care?
Four days later I can tell you how humbled I am.
 I am in complete awe of how people have responded. I have been brought to tears many times. We are almost at the goal I set.

I am thanking God that he used people to provide for Katie and Nate.
I am thanking God that He cares about this mama's heart and how I have ached for my girl for so many years.
I am thanking God for what He is doing in Katie's life through this.
I am thanking God for friends who have responded.

Is it silly for me to have hope that He will answer the requests on all my sticky notes from our YLC staff?
No. Not anymore.
I have seen God provide for me over and over again.
Why would I be surprised that He is providing for Katie and Nate?
Why would I be surprised if He provides for all the prayers of our Young Life College Staff?
Why would I be surprised if He provided for what YOU need?

One of His names is Jehovah Jireh. God will provide.
He will. 
In His time.
For His glory.
To get us (me) to realize again what a wonderful Father He is.

EVEN IF

Have you heard of Daniel in the Bible? There is an entire book about him.
He was a young Jewish man held captive in Babylon with three of his friends by Nebuchadnezer, the King of Babylon.
Nebuchadnezer (referred from now on as Nebbie) wanted the best and the brightest of the Jewish guys. So he had his aides select from then. They were to be smart and quick thinking. They were to be instructed in the ways and culture of Babylon and given the best to eat. This was going to be a three year indoctrination and qualifying time.
Daniel was not happy with all the food. It was probably the richest, best food and drink around. I know, I wonder too what he was thinking. So instead of eating the delicacies and drinking the best wine, he asked the man in charge if he and his friends could eat only vegetables and drink water to see if they could maintain their health with this. The kings man was obviously hesitant, so Daniel suggested a ten day trial. He then agreed to that.
After the ten days, Daniel and his buddies were found to be in better shape than all the others who had consumed the finest foods. So from that time on, they were allowed to eat just the veggies and drink water. (side note: this is probably a very good way to lose weight).

As time went on, Daniel continued in his training regimen.
Nebbie meanwhile had a dream that really disturbed him. He called for all the astrologers and magicians to come and interpret the dream, but none of them could. Someone suggested Daniel who came and then proceeded to tell Nebbie that only God could interpret this dream. God gave Daniel the answers to the questions of the kings dream and interpreted what was to happen.
The King then believed Daniel was the smartest man in his kingdom, and Nebbie bestowed on him extremely high honors.

After awhile, the king had commissioned  his servants to make a gold statue ninety feet tall and nine feet wide. Nebbie then issued a decree that everyone should bow down and worship the statue when they heard the music sound, calling them to worship.
Ah, but in every great story, there is always an antoagonist and protagonist. There were some officials of the king who informed him that there were three guys who wouldn't bow down to the statue. These three men were Daniel's best friends; renamed in Babylon: Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego.
Nebbie was furious at these guys.  He questioned them about why they wouldn't bow down and gave them another opportunity to bow down to the statue. These faithful servants of the true God refused and said they would never bow down to anyone but him. This made the king even more mad,and he ordered them thrown into a extremely hot furnace heated seven times higher than normal.
The men who brought the three amigos to the furnace were burned to death but Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego were in the furnace walking around with another figure, who turned out to be an angel, sent from God to protect them.
What is truly amazing about these three guys, that prior to be thrown into the furnace, they told the king, that no matter what they would trust their God. They would trust Him even if He did not deliver them from the blazing furnace. That to me is the kind of faith and trust in God that I would hope to have.

EVEN IF.
Two very tiny words with incredible punch.
EVEN IF: I prayed and prayed for a friend or loved one to be cured of cancer, and they lose their battle.
EVEN IF: my spouse had an affair and leaves me for the other person.
EVEN IF: my lifelong desire for being a mom or dad is crushed due to infertility.
EVEN IF: I have been abused or raped and am afraid to begin a relationship.
EVEN IF: I have struggled and struggled with a mental illness and prayed and prayed for relief that never comes.
EVEN IF: I desperately wanted a certain job and didn't get it.
EVEN IF: I have lost my spouse or my child and am struggling like crazy to understand why I will spend the rest of my life on earth without them.
EVEN IF: I have lost my home, my income due to circumstances beyond my control and have to begin again all over.
EVEN IF: I care deeply about those suffering in poverty, slavery and disease in the rest of the world, and feel helpless to do anything to help.
EVEN IF: My desire to be married and share my life with someone, never happens.
EVEN IF: The reconciliation I so desire with a friend or family member has not happened yet.
EVEN IF: The friend or family member I have prayed fervently for to come to know Jesus, has no interest whatsoever in God.
EVEN IF: I have the diagnosis of cancer and am scared of the outcome, and am left to wonder.

There are so many EVEN IF's that we will face and experience in life.
I so desire to be a person who can say with these three young men, EVEN IF God doesn't come through the way I would hope, I will trust God no matter what.
That's a huge statement to aspire for.
But it is my hope that I will always do.
What about you?
Will you trust God NO MATTER WHAT?

A LIFE WELL LIVED

Vividly I remember the day sitting in a coffee shop with my friend Joe.
Joe knew how much I prayed for him and his ministry with Young Life.
He asked me that day to pray for one specific kid that he had just become friends with.
He wanted me to pray that this new friend, Payton, would come to know Jesus as Savior and LORD of his life.
Of course I said yes. And so began my prayers for Payton.
I remember the first time I met him, with his sweet smile and me winking at Joe, that this was Payton!!

That spring, through many questions, long talks and the promptings of the HOLY SPIRIT, Payton did meet Jesus and began his lifetime adventure with him.
Only about two months later, Payton wanting to know and experience more of Jesus, came as a new believer to Woodleaf to be on workcrew. He worked so hard, and I got to see him everyday, and his smile was contagious and could make anyone smile. He also could be a bit mischievious too!!
It was toward the end of his three week assignment that after work and time for some fun at the pool that after diving off the diving board, he broke his arm.
I remember getting to the pool right after and the lifeguard intern telling me all that transpired. I remember joking with Payton about he trying to get out of work.
A simple break, casted and off he went.
About a month later or so, I was in Chico and attended a Young Life club and Payton had hurt his shoulder and we kidded about how clumsy he was. But his spirit was infectious with life and he laughed with me.
It was when he didn't heal that the doctors determined he had some type of bone cancer.
We were all shocked.
Joe was devastated and took Payton on a road trip to have some fun before all this therapy would start.

Most people are side swiped when they hear they have cancer. Its one of those gulp, punched in the gut feelings. It takes the breath out of you. I don't really know if Payton felt that, but his friends and family certainly did.

Payton became more alive once he was diagnosed.
All he wanted to do was tell people about Jesus.
Payton wanted everyone to know that Jesus was the answer, the hope, the security of his life.
He told his high school friends. He told his mom and sisters and his grandfather. He told their friends. He told anyone who would listen.

He became a Wyldlife leader, which is Young Life's ministry to junior high or middle school kids.
After going through chemo and radiation, he still had that smile.
He still wanted to be with his junior high kids.
When he found out later that I too, had cancer, he would text me verses and say that we both would be ok.
We had this "cancer bond". The kind of bond that you don't really want to have with someone, but are also grateful that you can be real and vulnerable, because you get what the other is feeling.
I prayed for Payton to come to know Jesus. He did.
I put Payton on my daily prayer list when he got his cancer and probably missed maybe 6 days in the past 22 months when I didn't pray for him.

He struggled. Chemo and radiation wracked his body. He got thinner and thinner. But his spirit, it grew brighter and brighter each day and all he wanted to do was tell people about Jesus.
Payton loved life and he loved Jesus.
He was in a wheel chair for awhile. That was hard for him, but then he would crack jokes about it.

Some dear Chico friends started to raise funds for him to get him to another hospital to see if they could help. Over 25 thousand dollars was raised. Payton was blown away by people's generosity.
He took his Wyldlife kids to camp at the beginning of July this year. He couldn't do many of the activities although he did try and I feel like my eyes were always on him, because I didn't want to see him get hurt. He wanted those boys to know the SAVIOR like he did.
Oh Payton, you leaked Jesus wherever you went.
Last night, Jesus thought Payton had gone through enough.
Jesus took Payton home to heaven.
No more pain.
No more suffering.
No more trouble breathing.

A new body bowing in reverence and awe as he met the ONE he told everyone about.
A new body that could run and dance and rejoice that he was in the presence of the LORD and SAVIOR that he told everyone about.

In our eyes, he was taken way too soon-way too soon.
Most likely in His Lord's eyes, he came home at just the right time.
To me it seems so unfair. Payton was young , and so full of life, and I weep as I write this.
But Payton Contestable did everything in this life that he was made to do.
He lived fully, he had fun and pulled pranks, he had a family who adored him and friends who would do anything for him.
And Payton told people about Jesus. That was his mission. That was his passion.
Payton, you taught so many of us so much about Jesus and what it looks like to live for him.
For someone like me, who has lived three times as long as you, you radiated Our Lord.
You encouraged me to cling to him and I did the same for you.

Oh yes Payton, you told so many of your friends about Jesus. That's what you were called to do.
You did it so so well.
And now you are in HIS presence and I know that as soon as He saw you, His words were:
"Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Master."

Oh you will be missed terribly and will never be forgotten by us. You did exactly what you wanted to do: you told us about Jesus and you lived wholly for Jesus.
I hope that we can be just like you now.

Enjoy your eternal home with your new whole perfect body.
You lived a life we all can aim for.
I will miss you my friend and I love you.

Does it Matter

We are so often concerned about what other people think.
Their views of life, their views of us.

Does it matter though?
Does it matter what I wear for the day? Do people really care? or is just me and how I want to myself to be perceived.
Today I spent an unbelievable amount of time trying to figure out what to wear to the wedding of my best friends daughter this weekend? Would it still fit? What shoes, what jewelry?
And then, what would I wear to the rehearsal?

Why do I care?
The most important thing of the weekend will be watching sweet Kelly Girl marry her Prince. And what a wonderful godly man Joel is. I want to watch her commit to spending her life loving God and loving Joel and just be in sheer joy at the happiness I will witness.

I am ashamed that I spent so much time wondering and fussing over what outfits to bring.
Why don't I care about what my inner heart brings?
How I might reflect my God to people who won't know Him, but who I desperately want to.
Does it matter what I wear? Absolutely not.
What matters is what is inside my heart. How I treat the people that come into my life. And whether or not I am reflecting Jesus at all.

Why does the pettiness of life get in the way of what is most important to me?
Does that happen to you too?


This is again for 5 minutes of writing for everyday of October on any topic.
Unfortunately I forgot my travel and the wedding this weekend and another one in two weeks. I so wanted to do this everyday, but for now I will be satisfied for whenever I can write.
If you want to know more about this visit:
www.katemotaung.com
also will count as 5 minute friday!

Dogs

My friend Shari and her family lost their beloved dog this past weekend.
I know this has been hard on them.

Why would I write about this?
Because I believe dogs and other animals are gifts to us from God.

I have two dogs. Both of them Labrador's.
Riley is 11 and she's a black lab.
Riley has been an amazing dog. She learned how to do tricks as a puppy. She loves to play. She loves to run and play catch even when her leg is bothering her. I have to be careful of how much she runs or swims (which she absolutely loves) because the pin her in her leg hasn't helped her hip that was hit by a car four years ago. Now she has a gray/white beard and she is so cute. She loves to have her "bum" scratched and her ears rubbed.

Cody is our 7 yr old yellow lab.
She is mischevious; she has eaten 2 of my bibles in the past 5 years and also devoured a Christian classic given to me by one of my husband's spiritual mentors. I guess you could call her a holy dog.
Cody loves me unconditionally. She gets so excited to see me everyday. If I have been gone for a few hours, you would think it had been weeks. She sleeps by my bed everynight and never leaves my side while I am home during the day.

I can't believe the enjoyment my pups have given me.
And I can't imagine my life without them.
You might think that sounds strange and think to yourself, "but they are just dogs", and yes, they are, but they are also part of our family.
My grandsons love them and always cuddle with them.
They have kept me company at times in the loneliness of living in the mountains; they are my everyday buddies.

                                             

                                                                           




So I really feel sorry for Shari and her family.
They have lost a "family member".

So if you have a pet that is like a family member to you, enjoy them this evening.

UNPLUGGED

I  starting a new practice as of yesterday.
Every Sunday I am going to go unplugged. I will turn off my computer, my iPad and my iPhone. I will take a break from all technology for 24 hours; possibly more because I will turn them off on Saturday nights.

We have as a society become so attached to our devices. I am not signaling you out, because I am just as guilty.

How often do you check your Instagram, your Facebook?
How often do you send a text?
Do you stop everything when you hear the beep that says you have a new text or a new email?

What are we missing because we are so connected to our devices? So many of us have them on 24/7, day in and day out. We look at them right before we go to sleep and grab our phone as soon as we are awake. 

I believe we are missing the personal connection with others.
WE don't know how to talk to people in person the way we should.
We are so afraid we will miss out on something if we aren't connected. You know, FOMO.

What did I miss yesterday? NOTHING.
There was only three times that I wished I could use my devices. I wanted to text one of my kids, I wanted to look up the 49ers roster and I wanted to send an email to someone.

Did life stop because I didn't? NO, a resounding NO.

Consider taking a break once a week from your technology devices. You won't miss what you think you will.