On days like this, I need to know...

Two appointments. The same day. The same time. In two different cities. With results neither wanted to hear.

The one said your valve doesn't open and close as it should. And it leaks too.

"well what does that mean?"

It means you have to wait and see. Wait to see your doctor. Your mitral valve is prolapsing. It isn't working quite the way it should and its leaking too.

All that from something that happened fifty years ago.

Strept throat that quickly became scarlet fever that wasn't treated quick enough and became rheumatic fever.

"Someday your daughter may have heart valve problems."

They were right. That someday has come again. Mitral valve prolapse first reared its head in my 30's and from then to my early 50's I had to take enormous amounts of antibiotics anytime I went to see the dentist. Which may still be the reason why I don't like going to the dentist to this day. 
And then all of a sudden they said it was gone.
It was still gone this time last year.
But now it has returned. 
I was a coronary care nurse for awhile, so I know what this could mean. If the leaks gets worse, I will have what we called a "valve job"; my mitral valve would need to be replaced. Usually by a pigs valve-which would probably mean I would want more bacon!! That doesn't scare me. I was a young nurse who took care of patients like this, and I know there are plenty of well qualified nurses that would take care of me.

The other appointment 700 miles north was a bit more heart breaking.

"You may likely never conceive."

" Someone should have told you LONG before this that you need to be seeing a fertility specialist."

Not what either one of them wanted to hear. Their hearts want a baby of their own.

And now another surgery is needed.

Endometriosis is a very painful disease that seems only to get worse over time. Katie has suffered with it for nine years now and has had too many surgeries for me to remember the number.

Now after three years of marriage and having most of their friends have had babies, or are expecting one, they are thinking it might be the time.

But sometimes time isn't on our side. 

With endometriosis, the more surgeries you have, the less likelihood of getting pregnant. 

It isn't the end of the world if you can't have a baby of your own. Its just the end of your dream.

That's the hard part. So many little girls play with their dollies as they grow up and they begin the dream of one day being a mom, whether they realize it or not. Then to get the news that you might not be able to conceive, well it is a hard pill to swallow.

All those girls that get pregnant that didn't mean to. All those sweet babies born to young teens. And then those who desperately want a baby, are not able to have one.

It just doesn't seem fair or right.

And it hurts-it really hurts. And you have to adjust your dreams, and your thinking and begin to hope that maybe you could adopt. And then you realize how expensive that is-and well the list goes on and on.

Where is God in all this? Doesn't He know your heart's desire? Doesn't he know how long you have dreamed? Does He  care?

YES.

He does know and yes, He does care.

And He is right there with you (us) through all of this.

He sees our tears. He knows our pain. And He weeps with us. because He is Our Father who loves us without any reservations or without any conditions and our pain is His pain.

Even when we scream at him, He keeps loving us.

I don't get it. I don't have His answers.

I don't understand His ways. And sometimes-maybe a bit too often- I think I might know better than Him. How completely ridiculous of me.

I want God to change the game plan. I want Him to allow my daughter to have that baby she desires. His Word says that He longs to give us the desires of our hearts, so I question Him and wonder if He really really knows how this will affect her.

Again, my stupidity shows.

Of course He knows.

His ways are not always our ways. 

His thoughts are not like ours. ( see Isaiah 55).

But what I do know is that God is faithful.

He promises that He will not leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5),

He promises He will provide what we need (Phil 4:19).

He tells us over and over again:

"Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged" (Joshua-in many verses).

So through the dark times, through the hard trials, over my lifetime I have found God to be utterly faithful to me. Faithful in keeping His promises. Faithful in providing exactly what I need at exactly the perfect time.
So right now, at this moment, in this time, I purpose to trust God completely. For Katie and for me. And if I need to, I will trust Him enough for the both of us.
Because I know in the deepest places hidden in me, that God loves me so completely. And He loves Katie more than I could ever grasp.
On days like today, I need to know that God is there. That He won't abandon me-even when I can't comprehend His presence. And I need to remember His faithfulness-through all the years.