Tomorrow is Mother's Day-you know the Hallmark manufactured day to celebrate moms in America.
I actually have always like this day because it is the one day of the year that is just for me. I know I am selfish-that's a given. But I share my birthday with my husband-so birthdays aren't really special-especially the last one we celebrated.
This year though, Mother's Day seems a bit harder to accept.
I think about those who have lost their moms this past year, and how tomorrow just emphasizes the loss again; as if you weren't grieving enough.
I think about those who have lost their child.
They may have other children, but they lost one and their lives will NEVER be the same again.
There will always be the empty ache of the deep longing for their child.
My heart aches tremendously for them.
There are some women out there who have given up their child for adoption because in reality, that was the most loving thing they could ever do. They didn't have the resources to care for this child, and so they entrusted them to someone who could love and provide for them. They never stop remembering. This day brings again the sadness. Someday they might just meet the one they "gave up" but really "gave more" so that their baby could have life.
I think about the women who will suffer greatly tomorrow for they have lost their children to child slavery, or sex slavery.
The mothers of those sweet innocent Nigerian girls are aching and hoping.
Mothers throughout the world are missing their children who have become lost-or mostly kidnapped by very evil people for their own monetary gain. I am praying with you.
I think about the women who have suffered miscarriages and those who are unable to have a child.
Both are CRUEL. Both leave an emptiness that most of us can't comprehend.
But I know how hard it is for you on this day. My heart really hurts for you.
I pray that God will someday give you a child-whether it be from your own body or thru adoption.
And until that happens, that you can "mother" others children. Afterall, one mother just doesn't seem enough.
I have been gifted with four children, three from my body, one a gift from God.
They have blessed my life. They have challenged me and made me a better person.
I am so grateful for Kristi, Todd, Katie and Ryan.
Thank you LORD for letting them be their mom.
For those of you who are hurting and grieving, know that there are plenty of us, who will be praying for you tomorrow.
If you have a mom-thank her for her sacrifices and love.
If you are a mom, thank God for the privilege.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
CELEBRATIONS GALORE!!
Life is worth celebrating!
I believe we don’t celebrate enough.
Yes, we celebrate, but sometimes celebrations are nothing more than lets have a drink-or another drink.
When my children were little, a dear friend gave us the Red Plate. Perhaps you have seen it, all across the plate it says “You are Special Today”.
We always brought it out for birthdays (of course), but what if you won the spelling bee, or the Mad Minute Math contest, or scored your first goal in soccer, or hit your first homerun, or made your first basket. Those things were worth celebrating! And what if you made choir, or were in a play?
You were celebrated at our house with the Special Plate.
I often would give guests who came to our home for dinner the first time, the Special Plate, because we thought they were special to us.
And engagements and births and baptisms-all these are worth celebrating.
This past weekend-or actually on Saturday through Tuesday, I was fortunate enough to celebrate three different occasions, and boy, was it FUN.
The first celebration was a bridal shower for my son Todd’s fiancee, Katy.
How fun it was to shower her with gifts they would use in their home. To see her mom and sister and grandmother make a three hour drive to celebrate her, and have so many friends come was wonderful.
“The Sisters” gave her the shower; that is her future sisters, my two daughters and other future daughter in law. They did a fantastic job with food and decorations. The scenery at the winery was glorious on this warm, but windy day.
The next celebration was very very special. My dearest best friend in the world, Mary Kay was turning 60. She doesn’t like to be the center of attention much and prefers small intimate gatherings. So after getting the OK from her husband Scott, I asked a few of her closest friends to dinner.
Originally there were to be six of us, but one of our friends had to back out to attend a rosary for a friend who had passed away.
We went to a Greek restraunt in downtown San Jose called Nemea. Only one of us had been before but I solely trusted her judgement call. We were led into a special private room which had been decorated by MK’s friend Karen with beautiful two colored gerber daisies and cute napkins and treat boxes from See’s candy. We tried all different types of food and had a wine from Greece that was so tasty. I loved having fried cheese that was prepared at the table spread on yummy bread. We each tried different foods and it was so fun to trade bites. And the dessert sampler was amazing. Unfortunately we forgot to take a group picture but I did manage to get one with one side of the table featuring our “birthday Girl”.
CHEERS TO YOU MARY KATHERINE PAINE!! WE LOVE YOU.
On Tuesday I received my last Christmas present. I had been given tickets to The Giants Home Opener by Scud and believe me, this is a day worth celebrating.
For years when Scud was the Area Director in San Jose, Opening Day was declared a Young Life Holiday. We reserved about 30-40 tickets for the game and leaders , committee and their families were invited. We know we had at least ten opening days. We tailgated and had an absolute blast rooting on our beloved Giants.
My most memorable Opening Day was 1980. Willie McCovey had announced before the season that this would be his last year playing and I did not want to miss it. I had been on bed rest for about 3 weeks for pre-term labor was at 37 weeks and the doctor gave me the go ahead. It was about in the 5th inning that I started contractions. Altho, our son Todd was not born until the next day, I will always remember the day I almost had a baby on Opening Day!
I love Opening Day because I LOVE BASEBALL and particularly my San Francisco Giants, It was the warmest Opening day in The Giants history in San Francisco, at 77 degrees. It was sunny and felt very hot, until the sun was shaded (relief) in about the 3rd inning.
The GIANTS beat the Diamondbacks and all is right with the World.
So GO AHEAD AND CELEBRATE!! Life is worth the opportunities we are given to remember our sweetest moments.
Friday, April 4, 2014
WATCH WHAT YOU SAY (or WRITE)
So much talk. So much written about. So many diametrically opposed views. So much anger, angst and emotion.
World Vision's decision to allow gay married people to work for them, and then one day reversing their decision, has caused an uproar heard throughout the world. Ten thousand children who were sponsored were going to be sponsorless.
One thing I have learned is that hopefully, as you age, you become a bit wiser.
In my earlier years, my 30's and 40's, I too, would spout off my mouth at the disgraces, atrocities, unfair justices that occured. Fortunately for many, the internet was not the social atmosphere that it is today. Blogosphere had not been invented. So much of what I might have said or written was never penned.
I have read many many blogs this past week and a half and have been surprised at words, the thoughts, the accusations that have been printed. I myself even wrote a blog.
lhttp://missyscud.blogspot.com/2014/03/eyes-to-see-ears-to-hear.html
I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this issue is another tool of God's enemy to cause division in His Church.
It doesn't matter if we label ourself as an evangelical, or consider ourself progressive, satan is out to destroy the Body of Christ on earth. This controversy of the LGBT and their acceptance in our churches, or not, is just one more battle we are fighting. There are huge, vast differences. They seem to be ones that will never be resolved. However, we may feel about this subject, it is absolutely causing a division in the Church.
This is not the first time this has happened . Recall the racism outrage in the Church.
I shudder to think of how, we as the Church, have caused our God, grief. How we have maligned His Character because of our bickering and fighting.
The older I get, the MORE I realize how little I know. How little I know of how Christ would respond. How dare I try to speak for Him or say I know exactly how or what His take is on various issues.
Yes, we do have His Word, and that is ALWAYS THE TRUTH. But on the subjects that are not clear, I have no business, saying that I know for 100% accuracy what Jesus Christ Himself would say.
I have read so much of what people say they believe to be Christ's Words or His thoughts on this homosexual controversy. And I have been happy to read of how others are thinking more, stepping back.
http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/needing-time-evangelical
I appreciate the honesty, the vulnerability of another Rachel
http://hitonbythehomeless.com/2014/04/03/a-call-to-action-a-cry-for-peace/
The biggest lesson the LORD has taught me over the years is that first and foremost, we need to go to Him. With our questions, our doubts, our struggles with things we need clarity on. We can read what others think or believe, but OUR answers need to come from Jesus Christ Himself. We need to search His Word to see what it says.
I have learned that the Bible will always say TRUTH. That the Word of God is timeless, that it always is relevant. When we seek answers, God will have them; He may not choose to reveal them to us, but be assured GOD HAS ALL THE ANSWERS.
How apt and timely is the Word I read this morning:
" Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the LORD forgave you.
And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
PLEASE CHURCH, FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST, when we have opposing views, may we remember to act like Our Savior. May compassion and kindness and gentleness be evident. May we be humble and realize that we are NOT ALWYAS RIGHT. May we still love each other, so that the world will see a differnce in us. Instead of what they have observed this past week: bitter, divisive, angry and anything but humble.
And may we FORGIVE each other. We may not agree with each other and we may never agree, but God commands us over and over again to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I pray we will be obedient to His commands.
Colossians 3:12-14
World Vision's decision to allow gay married people to work for them, and then one day reversing their decision, has caused an uproar heard throughout the world. Ten thousand children who were sponsored were going to be sponsorless.
One thing I have learned is that hopefully, as you age, you become a bit wiser.
In my earlier years, my 30's and 40's, I too, would spout off my mouth at the disgraces, atrocities, unfair justices that occured. Fortunately for many, the internet was not the social atmosphere that it is today. Blogosphere had not been invented. So much of what I might have said or written was never penned.
I have read many many blogs this past week and a half and have been surprised at words, the thoughts, the accusations that have been printed. I myself even wrote a blog.
lhttp://missyscud.blogspot.com/2014/03/eyes-to-see-ears-to-hear.html
I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this issue is another tool of God's enemy to cause division in His Church.
It doesn't matter if we label ourself as an evangelical, or consider ourself progressive, satan is out to destroy the Body of Christ on earth. This controversy of the LGBT and their acceptance in our churches, or not, is just one more battle we are fighting. There are huge, vast differences. They seem to be ones that will never be resolved. However, we may feel about this subject, it is absolutely causing a division in the Church.
This is not the first time this has happened . Recall the racism outrage in the Church.
I shudder to think of how, we as the Church, have caused our God, grief. How we have maligned His Character because of our bickering and fighting.
The older I get, the MORE I realize how little I know. How little I know of how Christ would respond. How dare I try to speak for Him or say I know exactly how or what His take is on various issues.
Yes, we do have His Word, and that is ALWAYS THE TRUTH. But on the subjects that are not clear, I have no business, saying that I know for 100% accuracy what Jesus Christ Himself would say.
I have read so much of what people say they believe to be Christ's Words or His thoughts on this homosexual controversy. And I have been happy to read of how others are thinking more, stepping back.
http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/needing-time-evangelical
I appreciate the honesty, the vulnerability of another Rachel
http://hitonbythehomeless.com/2014/04/03/a-call-to-action-a-cry-for-peace/
The biggest lesson the LORD has taught me over the years is that first and foremost, we need to go to Him. With our questions, our doubts, our struggles with things we need clarity on. We can read what others think or believe, but OUR answers need to come from Jesus Christ Himself. We need to search His Word to see what it says.
I have learned that the Bible will always say TRUTH. That the Word of God is timeless, that it always is relevant. When we seek answers, God will have them; He may not choose to reveal them to us, but be assured GOD HAS ALL THE ANSWERS.
How apt and timely is the Word I read this morning:
" Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the LORD forgave you.
And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
PLEASE CHURCH, FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST, when we have opposing views, may we remember to act like Our Savior. May compassion and kindness and gentleness be evident. May we be humble and realize that we are NOT ALWYAS RIGHT. May we still love each other, so that the world will see a differnce in us. Instead of what they have observed this past week: bitter, divisive, angry and anything but humble.
And may we FORGIVE each other. We may not agree with each other and we may never agree, but God commands us over and over again to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I pray we will be obedient to His commands.
Colossians 3:12-14
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
EYES TO SEE; EARS TO HEAR??
I have bad eyes.
I mean the color blue is great. It's just that my eyes don't see well.
Thanks to the genes passed on by my dad.
I was in 7th grade when I first needed glasses. That and braces and the start of zits. Not such a pretty sight.
I vividly remember one time when I wished I could really see without my glasses. I was double para-sailing with my oldest daughter and I was the one who pulled the ropes whether we went left or right. But I couldn't see and Kristi would have to yell at me, "Go left Mom" or "Go right". Not to mention that I did not get to see the vastness of Lake Tahoe that we were para-sailing over.
One year I had had enough. I decided I wanted to wake up on my next birthday and be able to see the clock on the other side of the bed. So I made an appointment at the Laser surgery clinic. I was so excited and hopeful.
To my utter dismay, I found out that the only part of my body that was too thin, was my cornea. I remember this doctor telling me that he thought he might still be able to work it out.
Ummm NO thank you. He told me that the risk of going blind was one of the side effects. So for years I have worn my glasses or contacts to see.
As you get older, your eyes change and your vision makes it a necessity sometime in your 40's that you need glasses for reading.
For me, it was not a big deal at all. My eye doctor just changed my contacts so that one was for distance and the other for reading.
And this year, I found out that having surgery for thyroid cancer can also change your vision. Fortunately my daytime vision improved and my night time vision worsened.
Whatever, my eyes just don't see that well.
My ears on the other hand seem to be just fine. I can hear well-sometimes too well. And I still remember the time, also in 7th grade, when ice cubes numbed my ear, and my sister pierced my ears with a needle going through my ear into a wine bottle cork. Still have the same holes-all these years later.
Even with my eyesight being not the best, I have been extremely blessed to see some amazingly beautiful things around the world.
But I also have seen some ugly things. Some in person, some on the TV.
I remember watching with horror as the second plane went into the World Trade Center Tower. I remember seeing the Challenger explode. I remember the atrocities of Vietnam and watching on tv riots erupt in Los Angeles and Chicago. I have seen pictures of children starving all over the world that break my heart. Sometimes, I wish I could not have seen some things.
And I have heard some amazing and wonderful things with my ears.
From my husband whispering that he loves me for over 39 years.
For hearing the sounds of the waves breaking at shore.
For hearing my children's first cry, their first laugh, their first word. I will not forget that.
The melodies in songs, the beat of music can move me to laughter or tears, but can also make me sing like no one is listening.
Then I have heard some terrible things with my ears.
Gossip, rumors, ugly words spoken and heard.
Things that make me shudder. Things I wish I had never said or never heard.
I'm sure you have had similar experiences with your eyes and ears as well.
This morning I was reading in the book of Isiah in the Old Testament and read the following:
I am staggered by what I hear, I am bewildered by what I see. My heart falters, fear makes me tremble. (Isiah21:3b)
Good to know I am not the only one to be baffled by what I have seen and heard.
Yesterday and probably today, much was written about World Vision in the news. World Vision is a Christian relief organization that has been around for over 50 years. Their chief aim and goal is to alleviate suffering and poverty in the world. Yesterday, they decided that they would hire Gay Christian married people. This has caused an outroar among Christians in America.
If you want, you can read Rich Stearns, the president of World Vision's words here
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/march-web-only/world-vision-why-hiring-gay-christians-same-sex-marriage.html
Whether or not you agree with gay marriage, whether or not you are a christian, everyone has an opinion on this subject. Today I read a great blog by a guy who just asked some questions.
http://michael-hidalgo.com/blog/2014/03/world-vision-some-questions-for-all-of-us/
But this reminded me of something I read also in Isiah this morning. This time it comes from chapter 11
"He will not judge by what He sees with his eyes, or decide by what He hears with his ears, but with righteousness, He will judge the needy, with justice, He will give decisions for the poor of the earth." Isiah 12:3-4.
So I have seen with my eyes the ugly words that have been spoken and have heard people's views on this and am basically disgusted with how we as followers of Christ have responded.
Today in the above verses, I again realized, in these often controversial topics, how I respond, what I say needs to come after I have gone to God about this. My response is based on what I hear God telling me, not others.
So whether we agree or disagree, may we all remember that the Creator of us all, is the only ONE to judge. His opinion is the ONLY one that counts. And He does not decide by what He sees, or by what He hears, but by what is TRUTH. And GOD is the author of all TRUTH.
I mean the color blue is great. It's just that my eyes don't see well.
Thanks to the genes passed on by my dad.
I was in 7th grade when I first needed glasses. That and braces and the start of zits. Not such a pretty sight.
I vividly remember one time when I wished I could really see without my glasses. I was double para-sailing with my oldest daughter and I was the one who pulled the ropes whether we went left or right. But I couldn't see and Kristi would have to yell at me, "Go left Mom" or "Go right". Not to mention that I did not get to see the vastness of Lake Tahoe that we were para-sailing over.
One year I had had enough. I decided I wanted to wake up on my next birthday and be able to see the clock on the other side of the bed. So I made an appointment at the Laser surgery clinic. I was so excited and hopeful.
To my utter dismay, I found out that the only part of my body that was too thin, was my cornea. I remember this doctor telling me that he thought he might still be able to work it out.
Ummm NO thank you. He told me that the risk of going blind was one of the side effects. So for years I have worn my glasses or contacts to see.
As you get older, your eyes change and your vision makes it a necessity sometime in your 40's that you need glasses for reading.
For me, it was not a big deal at all. My eye doctor just changed my contacts so that one was for distance and the other for reading.
And this year, I found out that having surgery for thyroid cancer can also change your vision. Fortunately my daytime vision improved and my night time vision worsened.
Whatever, my eyes just don't see that well.
My ears on the other hand seem to be just fine. I can hear well-sometimes too well. And I still remember the time, also in 7th grade, when ice cubes numbed my ear, and my sister pierced my ears with a needle going through my ear into a wine bottle cork. Still have the same holes-all these years later.
Even with my eyesight being not the best, I have been extremely blessed to see some amazingly beautiful things around the world.
But I also have seen some ugly things. Some in person, some on the TV.
I remember watching with horror as the second plane went into the World Trade Center Tower. I remember seeing the Challenger explode. I remember the atrocities of Vietnam and watching on tv riots erupt in Los Angeles and Chicago. I have seen pictures of children starving all over the world that break my heart. Sometimes, I wish I could not have seen some things.
And I have heard some amazing and wonderful things with my ears.
From my husband whispering that he loves me for over 39 years.
For hearing the sounds of the waves breaking at shore.
For hearing my children's first cry, their first laugh, their first word. I will not forget that.
The melodies in songs, the beat of music can move me to laughter or tears, but can also make me sing like no one is listening.
Then I have heard some terrible things with my ears.
Gossip, rumors, ugly words spoken and heard.
Things that make me shudder. Things I wish I had never said or never heard.
I'm sure you have had similar experiences with your eyes and ears as well.
This morning I was reading in the book of Isiah in the Old Testament and read the following:
I am staggered by what I hear, I am bewildered by what I see. My heart falters, fear makes me tremble. (Isiah21:3b)
Good to know I am not the only one to be baffled by what I have seen and heard.
Yesterday and probably today, much was written about World Vision in the news. World Vision is a Christian relief organization that has been around for over 50 years. Their chief aim and goal is to alleviate suffering and poverty in the world. Yesterday, they decided that they would hire Gay Christian married people. This has caused an outroar among Christians in America.
If you want, you can read Rich Stearns, the president of World Vision's words here
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/march-web-only/world-vision-why-hiring-gay-christians-same-sex-marriage.html
Whether or not you agree with gay marriage, whether or not you are a christian, everyone has an opinion on this subject. Today I read a great blog by a guy who just asked some questions.
http://michael-hidalgo.com/blog/2014/03/world-vision-some-questions-for-all-of-us/
But this reminded me of something I read also in Isiah this morning. This time it comes from chapter 11
"He will not judge by what He sees with his eyes, or decide by what He hears with his ears, but with righteousness, He will judge the needy, with justice, He will give decisions for the poor of the earth." Isiah 12:3-4.
So I have seen with my eyes the ugly words that have been spoken and have heard people's views on this and am basically disgusted with how we as followers of Christ have responded.
Today in the above verses, I again realized, in these often controversial topics, how I respond, what I say needs to come after I have gone to God about this. My response is based on what I hear God telling me, not others.
So whether we agree or disagree, may we all remember that the Creator of us all, is the only ONE to judge. His opinion is the ONLY one that counts. And He does not decide by what He sees, or by what He hears, but by what is TRUTH. And GOD is the author of all TRUTH.
Friday, March 21, 2014
SIX MONTHS LATER
Six months have passed.
Six months now since I had two surgeries within six days for Medullary Thyroid Cancer.
Six months to heal, to begin again.
Six months to contemplate the gift of life, the fraility of life.
Six months to be grateful to be alive.
Six months to appreciate things I had taken for granted.
Six more months with my family.
Six more months with my friends.
Six months to keep on going.
Six months to know God's presence in ways I had not known before.
Six months to experience the kindnesses and thoughtfulness of so many people.
Six months to really love others.
Six grateful months.
I have realized again how precious life is. Especially since there have been "home goings" of some dear loved ones.
Home goings is my new word for when someone dies.
Death is so final, gives no hope.
But home going means I will see them again. On the other side of life on earth.
I've had ups and downs these past six months, but I am grateful for the opportunity to keep living; for as long as God allows.
And the main thing I have learned in these past six months is : I don't want to waste whatever time I have left on this earth.
I want to make a difference in lives.
I want to be used by God for His purposes.
I want to remember daily that life is not about me, but about Him.
I want to share the love, the hope, the grace of God with whoever I encounter.
I want to serve Him with reckless abandon.
I want to love like Jesus.
I am so appreciative of these past six months and more than grateful to be alive.
Six months now since I had two surgeries within six days for Medullary Thyroid Cancer.
Six months to heal, to begin again.
Six months to contemplate the gift of life, the fraility of life.
Six months to be grateful to be alive.
Six months to appreciate things I had taken for granted.
Six more months with my family.
Six more months with my friends.
Six months to keep on going.
Six months to know God's presence in ways I had not known before.
Six months to experience the kindnesses and thoughtfulness of so many people.
Six months to really love others.
Six grateful months.
I have realized again how precious life is. Especially since there have been "home goings" of some dear loved ones.
Home goings is my new word for when someone dies.
Death is so final, gives no hope.
But home going means I will see them again. On the other side of life on earth.
I've had ups and downs these past six months, but I am grateful for the opportunity to keep living; for as long as God allows.
And the main thing I have learned in these past six months is : I don't want to waste whatever time I have left on this earth.
I want to make a difference in lives.
I want to be used by God for His purposes.
I want to remember daily that life is not about me, but about Him.
I want to share the love, the hope, the grace of God with whoever I encounter.
I want to serve Him with reckless abandon.
I want to love like Jesus.
I am so appreciative of these past six months and more than grateful to be alive.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Life can be a challenge: Hiking Quicksilver
Once upon a time, oh maybe about 17 years ago, I was in the midst of a profound depression. This time of deep sadness and melancholy had never surfaced in my life before.
I was acutely aware that I was not functioning well; meaning I could no longer fake that things were OK, that I was OK.
I took a leave of absence from my work-because I could hardly work without breaking down- and set out to get help.
During my intense counseling (did I mention that it was 3 times a week for 6 weeks, and then twice a week for 4 weeks and then weekly for months?) my wise therapist gave me 4 things I needed to do daily and one thing I had to do weekly.
The weekly "thing" was the easiest to figure out. I was to go somewhere I liked every week. Meaning: "Hello beach at Santa Cruz!" This was highly therapeutic. I could not recommend anything more.
My daily list was a challenge at first.
I had to 1) make time for God everyday. 2) exercise daily. 3) find a hobby to do daily. 4) do something I enjoyed daily.
So this hiatus from my normal life happened in the springtime.
That year I had the MOST amazing flowers I had ever had. I nurtured my front and back yard with great care. I had revelations of how we grow as people as I watched these small plants blossom and then produce gorgeous flowers. I diligently watered and weeded and clipped back extra growth and became proud of the best garden I ever had.
From my father, I had gained a lifelong love of books. Reading became the one thing I did everyday. I read romance novels, historical fiction, biographies and some self help books. Reading has always been an enormous way for me to escape into a land I might never consider and learn things that would increase my knowledge.
Having time with God everyday was not too hard to accomplish. Only because I knew how much I needed Him. That no one could understand me like the LORD. And even though I didn't "feel" Him much of the time, I knew He was with me.
It was the exercise routine that was at first baffling. I had a membership to a gym, but truthfully that was the last place I wanted to be because I knew too many people there. I didn't want to answer their questions of how was I, or why I was not working today. As I thought about what I needed to do, I realized that there was a wonderful park not far from my daughter's middle school that I could walk in. And it served dual purpose: I had to drive the carpool, why not volunteer to drive in the mornings and get my exercise as well.
First of all, I had just "heard" of Quicksilver. I had never actually hiked it.
This park is an amazing trail of paths up and down the side of a mountain.
Maybe from this picture you can see how you climb up the mountain. It looks easy enough. Oh how looks are deceiving!
I would begin the hike and soon I would be huffing away and thinking, "when am I getting to the top? how much farther can it be?". But then I would look up and see that I had a long way to go.
Often, I would think, I will never make this. And then to my surprise, there would be a level spot where as you kept walking, you could catch your breath and get ready for the next areas to climb. To get to the top, there was 3 different level areas where one can get a break to encourage yourself that you could make it.
Eventually, I would make it and this is what I would behold:
An absolutely stunning un-obstructed view of San Jose.
I would stand for a few moments and take in the beauty of the moment. And then I would make the descent down.
As I reminisced about this hike yesterday with one of my future daughter-in-laws, I was reminded of how often hiking this trail was like my life. Especially at this time of my deep depression.
I was on road that seemed un-ending, without any possibility of reprieve. I didn't see a way to escape the hardness of what I was going thru.
Then all of a sudden, on the flat parts, I could catch my breath. Kind of like my life; I would have moments of laughter and normalcy and feel a bit like myself again. Without notice, the sadness and despondancy would come upon me again, and the road ahead was daunting. How would I make it?
Isn't that like life? Something happens and completely side-swipes us. We have no idea how we will go on. At times, we feel like we don't want to go on. There seems to be "no way out".
We have to plug along-when we don't want to at all.
We are given no alternative. Whatever has happened cannot be erased. We didn't choose this. Whether it be a bout with mental illness like I had, or a life-threatening disease, or we lose our jobs, or even lose our way, or we lose someone who we dearly love.
We are not given the choice in this, it has just happened and somehow, someway, we need to figure out how to navigate through this our new life.
Eventually, we figure it out.
We figure out how to live through this, even tho we never wanted to. We have moments of happiness, moments of fun. And then we wonder why or feel guilty that we feel like living again.
When my mother died, I cried everyday for four and a half months. One day I didn't cry, and I actually felt guilty-like I had quit missing her. Which I never had, but something allowed me to smile and see that life does go on.
It was like that with the situation that caused my depression.
The situation that had brought it about had not changed. Maybe I was tired of having my life hijacked by this deep sadness, but one day, I decided it was time to go back to work; time to start enjoying some things.
It was at the beach one day, that I realized again how much I loved the ocean. The vastness of it, the beauty of it. The sun was shining, I felt relaxed and realized that I had the choice to make to keep going on. It was a bit like seeing the beauty of the entire city of San Jose from the top of Quicksilver. Although the trip down the side of the mountain ( or maybe more likely steep hills) was so much easier that the ascent, there were some rough patches that I had to be careful with. But the experience of actually completing the hike everyday, made me realize that I did have tenacity to endure hard things.
Some people jog or run this trail everyday. I had challenges just walking it. That too, is like life. Some people coast easily thru the trials and challenges that they are dealt, while others have a hard time just getting out of bed to face a new day.
That does not make one person better than the other.
It just shows that we each have different capacities in how we cope.
My hope and earnest prayer is that no matter what, no matter how long it takes, that we each choose to endure and eventually see the beauty of life again.
I was acutely aware that I was not functioning well; meaning I could no longer fake that things were OK, that I was OK.
I took a leave of absence from my work-because I could hardly work without breaking down- and set out to get help.
During my intense counseling (did I mention that it was 3 times a week for 6 weeks, and then twice a week for 4 weeks and then weekly for months?) my wise therapist gave me 4 things I needed to do daily and one thing I had to do weekly.
The weekly "thing" was the easiest to figure out. I was to go somewhere I liked every week. Meaning: "Hello beach at Santa Cruz!" This was highly therapeutic. I could not recommend anything more.
My daily list was a challenge at first.
I had to 1) make time for God everyday. 2) exercise daily. 3) find a hobby to do daily. 4) do something I enjoyed daily.
So this hiatus from my normal life happened in the springtime.
That year I had the MOST amazing flowers I had ever had. I nurtured my front and back yard with great care. I had revelations of how we grow as people as I watched these small plants blossom and then produce gorgeous flowers. I diligently watered and weeded and clipped back extra growth and became proud of the best garden I ever had.
From my father, I had gained a lifelong love of books. Reading became the one thing I did everyday. I read romance novels, historical fiction, biographies and some self help books. Reading has always been an enormous way for me to escape into a land I might never consider and learn things that would increase my knowledge.
Having time with God everyday was not too hard to accomplish. Only because I knew how much I needed Him. That no one could understand me like the LORD. And even though I didn't "feel" Him much of the time, I knew He was with me.
It was the exercise routine that was at first baffling. I had a membership to a gym, but truthfully that was the last place I wanted to be because I knew too many people there. I didn't want to answer their questions of how was I, or why I was not working today. As I thought about what I needed to do, I realized that there was a wonderful park not far from my daughter's middle school that I could walk in. And it served dual purpose: I had to drive the carpool, why not volunteer to drive in the mornings and get my exercise as well.
First of all, I had just "heard" of Quicksilver. I had never actually hiked it.
This park is an amazing trail of paths up and down the side of a mountain.
I would begin the hike and soon I would be huffing away and thinking, "when am I getting to the top? how much farther can it be?". But then I would look up and see that I had a long way to go.
Often, I would think, I will never make this. And then to my surprise, there would be a level spot where as you kept walking, you could catch your breath and get ready for the next areas to climb. To get to the top, there was 3 different level areas where one can get a break to encourage yourself that you could make it.
Eventually, I would make it and this is what I would behold:
I would stand for a few moments and take in the beauty of the moment. And then I would make the descent down.
As I reminisced about this hike yesterday with one of my future daughter-in-laws, I was reminded of how often hiking this trail was like my life. Especially at this time of my deep depression.
I was on road that seemed un-ending, without any possibility of reprieve. I didn't see a way to escape the hardness of what I was going thru.
Then all of a sudden, on the flat parts, I could catch my breath. Kind of like my life; I would have moments of laughter and normalcy and feel a bit like myself again. Without notice, the sadness and despondancy would come upon me again, and the road ahead was daunting. How would I make it?
Isn't that like life? Something happens and completely side-swipes us. We have no idea how we will go on. At times, we feel like we don't want to go on. There seems to be "no way out".
We have to plug along-when we don't want to at all.
We are given no alternative. Whatever has happened cannot be erased. We didn't choose this. Whether it be a bout with mental illness like I had, or a life-threatening disease, or we lose our jobs, or even lose our way, or we lose someone who we dearly love.
We are not given the choice in this, it has just happened and somehow, someway, we need to figure out how to navigate through this our new life.
Eventually, we figure it out.
We figure out how to live through this, even tho we never wanted to. We have moments of happiness, moments of fun. And then we wonder why or feel guilty that we feel like living again.
When my mother died, I cried everyday for four and a half months. One day I didn't cry, and I actually felt guilty-like I had quit missing her. Which I never had, but something allowed me to smile and see that life does go on.
It was like that with the situation that caused my depression.
The situation that had brought it about had not changed. Maybe I was tired of having my life hijacked by this deep sadness, but one day, I decided it was time to go back to work; time to start enjoying some things.
It was at the beach one day, that I realized again how much I loved the ocean. The vastness of it, the beauty of it. The sun was shining, I felt relaxed and realized that I had the choice to make to keep going on. It was a bit like seeing the beauty of the entire city of San Jose from the top of Quicksilver. Although the trip down the side of the mountain ( or maybe more likely steep hills) was so much easier that the ascent, there were some rough patches that I had to be careful with. But the experience of actually completing the hike everyday, made me realize that I did have tenacity to endure hard things.
Some people jog or run this trail everyday. I had challenges just walking it. That too, is like life. Some people coast easily thru the trials and challenges that they are dealt, while others have a hard time just getting out of bed to face a new day.
That does not make one person better than the other.
It just shows that we each have different capacities in how we cope.
My hope and earnest prayer is that no matter what, no matter how long it takes, that we each choose to endure and eventually see the beauty of life again.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Trying to figure out Lent
Yesterday marked the beginning of the Lenten Season. Typically known as the 40 days before Easter, but they never count Sundays, so theoretically Lent is 46 days long.
Lent is the time before Easter.
The time that prepares our hearts and our minds for all that the Savior of all mankind did: He was beaten, suffered, spat upon, and died for us. Died for everything wrong we ever did or will do in the future. The crazy thing is that its not just what I did wrong or what you have done, He did it for every human being that has been on the surface of this earth since time began, and until time on earth is finished. This is just a mind boggling thought. Because, how many billions and billions, maybe even trillions of us have lived?
Lent is a time for us to reflect. For some it is a time to give up something-to remember that Christ gave up His life for us.
OK, how does me giving up candy as a kid, or ice cream, or all sweets, or alcohol or Facebook or Pinterest as an adult, even begin to compare to what Jesus did for me, and for you? It doesn't. I can't possibly even begin to compare.
For some of us, we want to give away or give more of ourselves to others. Whether it means giving away things we don't need that others do, or giving more of our time to some worthwhile endeavor.
Other people fast and deny themselves food, which probably signifies identifying themselves with Jesus fasting for 40 days and nights in the wilderness. When we "fast" for these reasons, when we are hungry-
we are to remind ourselves to turn to Jesus, to dwell on Him. Having fasted at various times, I agree there is so much validity to this practice. It has kept my mind in tune to God, and have frequently turned to Him during my times of fasting.
There is much to be said of the benefits of trying to "do something" during the Lenten season.
This year, I am determined to do more.
To do more time with Jesus. To seek Him in ways that maybe I haven't before. I don't know what that looks like, but what I do know is that I hunger for more of HIM. I want to look more like Jesus at the end of this season of Lent.
I want to celebrate on Easter HIS RESURRECTION FROM THE DEAD. I want to be much more in love with Jesus than I am today. I will seek Him diligently. I will look for Him in the little things, in people I come into contact with. I will ask Jesus to reveal more of Himself to me. I desire for Jesus to change me, so that I will resemble Him more and more each day.
So as I try and figure out this Lent thing, I just want to know more of Him, love Christ more deeply and be obedient to His leading in every area of my life.
What do you do during Lent?
Lent is the time before Easter.
The time that prepares our hearts and our minds for all that the Savior of all mankind did: He was beaten, suffered, spat upon, and died for us. Died for everything wrong we ever did or will do in the future. The crazy thing is that its not just what I did wrong or what you have done, He did it for every human being that has been on the surface of this earth since time began, and until time on earth is finished. This is just a mind boggling thought. Because, how many billions and billions, maybe even trillions of us have lived?
Lent is a time for us to reflect. For some it is a time to give up something-to remember that Christ gave up His life for us.
OK, how does me giving up candy as a kid, or ice cream, or all sweets, or alcohol or Facebook or Pinterest as an adult, even begin to compare to what Jesus did for me, and for you? It doesn't. I can't possibly even begin to compare.
For some of us, we want to give away or give more of ourselves to others. Whether it means giving away things we don't need that others do, or giving more of our time to some worthwhile endeavor.
Other people fast and deny themselves food, which probably signifies identifying themselves with Jesus fasting for 40 days and nights in the wilderness. When we "fast" for these reasons, when we are hungry-
we are to remind ourselves to turn to Jesus, to dwell on Him. Having fasted at various times, I agree there is so much validity to this practice. It has kept my mind in tune to God, and have frequently turned to Him during my times of fasting.
There is much to be said of the benefits of trying to "do something" during the Lenten season.
This year, I am determined to do more.
To do more time with Jesus. To seek Him in ways that maybe I haven't before. I don't know what that looks like, but what I do know is that I hunger for more of HIM. I want to look more like Jesus at the end of this season of Lent.
I want to celebrate on Easter HIS RESURRECTION FROM THE DEAD. I want to be much more in love with Jesus than I am today. I will seek Him diligently. I will look for Him in the little things, in people I come into contact with. I will ask Jesus to reveal more of Himself to me. I desire for Jesus to change me, so that I will resemble Him more and more each day.
So as I try and figure out this Lent thing, I just want to know more of Him, love Christ more deeply and be obedient to His leading in every area of my life.
What do you do during Lent?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)