I will never forget the day.
It is as clear in my mind today as it was then.
I woke up to my little brothers screams.
My mind was foggy as I had been out late the night before with my friends. But I heard his screams.
I raced out of my bed in the only downstairs bedroom of our house, up the stairs to see him.
I didn't believe him.
I told him he was mistaken.
But he was right.
Our mom had died in the middle of the night.
We had no idea, no clue whatsoever.
I last saw her the day before when she was off to play bridge with some friends. And I was gone before she came home.
The day before that, my mom and I had a very long conversation about what it meant for me to say I was now a "christian".
She didn't get it at first. She said that as Catholics, we were Christian. That the United States was a christian nation.(boy, has that changed.)
I explained to her that everything she believed was true. That Jesus was God's son. That He did come to earth to die for our sins. And that He did rise from the dead on that first Easter morn.
What was different for me was that Jesus wanted to be involved in my life every single day. That He wanted to be involved in our daily decisions; the big ones and the little ones. It was a very good conversation, and I shared with my mom what I did and told her she could do the same. She wanted to think about all we had talked about.
I never knew what she thought. Never knew what she decided. It took me a long time to deal with that.
Today is 40 years.
Forty years ago, my mom died.
I have lived now almost two thirds of my life without her.
She has missed the BEST moments of my life.
She wasn't there when I graduated from nursing school. But she was instrumental in me going to nursing school. It wasn't until after she died, that I decided I wanted to be a nurse. That maybe I could help others and their families.
My mom missed me falling in love and marrying Scud.
She wasn't there when I had each of my children. In fact, she only met two of her 15 grandchildren.
That is sad to me. She missed the greatest gifts I have been given in my life: Scud, Kristi, Todd, Katie and Ryan, and now Kellen and Jax. As of yesterday, when my great niece Dylan Madysen was born, she now has ten great grandchildren.
My mom wasn't there to help me, support me in the toughest moments of my life and of my siblings.
My life changed forever the moment my mom died.
It was then that I truly knew of God's faithfulness. It was then that I learned the MOST important thing or lesson that I ever learned in my life; that God is THE ONLY ONE in my life who will ALWAYS be there for me. That lesson has turned my life upside down. It has been a hard one to comprehend. I have wrestled with it and struggled to really believe it, but deep inside the core of me, I know this is true.
God has blessed me with so much, but my relationship with Him is what really steadies me and grounds me. It is this relationship that has kept me going in the darkest of times. Losing both my parents, watching my kids struggle, getting a cancer diagnosis and so much more. I am so grateful for God's faithfulness and His love and Grace and Mercy to me.
I can't believe it has been 40 years.
40 years of God carrying me when I didn't think i could go on.
40 years of wondering how my life would have been different if my mom had lived longer.
40 years.
I still miss you Mom.
Showing posts with label The Faithfulness of God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Faithfulness of God. Show all posts
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
YOU WILL BE OK
It certainly has been a summer of "firsts".
Due to a medical condition inherited from my father, I have undergone some medical tests and procedures that I have never done before.
HHT is an unusual bleeding disorder that doesn't involve clotting factors or the normal bleeding disorder factors. Basically my capillaries decide to make detours in some of my veins and since they are independent little suckers, who didn't think through this plan, they have nowhere to end up. So they decide to show up in your lips, your hands and feet, and often times cause some malformations in your brain, lungs and liver.
Following a painful foot bleed, I decided to check in with the doctor at UCLA Medical Center who I have emailed for a few years. After a few email exchanges, it was decided that I needed to have a further work up done and made appointments for some medical tests and a clinic visit with him in June.
I was an RN in the Bay Area for 31 years before I moved to Woodleaf. I have ordered labs, tests and procedures for patients countless times over they years, but this summer I got to experience them as "THE PATIENT". It was quite an eye opening time.
My morning began with a brain MRI.
OK so I've had an MRI before, but NOTHING like this.
I was strapped in and then rolled into a metal cannister type helmet which was directly, and I mean DIRECTLY -as in 2 inches from the MRI apparatus. I was perhaps inside this machine for 25-30 minutes and I have never felt so constrained, so cramped, so stuck in all my life.
I then was ushered into the CT scanning room for an exam of my lungs and abdominal area. This test was done with and without contrast. An IV had been earlier inserted into my arm and when the dye was injected into my veins, I was told to let them know if it burned or I felt short of breath or dizzy.
"Excuse me?? I might feel burning or dizzy or short of breath" Is this usually when you tell all of your patients? Just as the dye is going IN? " So screamed my mind.
Then i had a delightful appointment with Dr McWilliams and his capable Nurse Practioneer, Melissa. I was told that I had numerous spots on my liver, but my brain and lungs were completely free.
So I guess that's better than having them on my brain and lungs.
These little spots are the ones I need to watch out for because they could open up at anytime and I could bleed internally.
OK, so I will watch out for them. Umm how do I do that since I can't see my liver?? Oh I get it, when I have horrible pain, i should probably go to the Doctor or ER right away.
Comforting thoughts.
I was then informed that I should have a thyroid ultrasound at home because a nodule was seen on my thyroid and also I should get an echocardiogram just to make sure things looked good in my heart since I had a history of rheumatic fever as a child.
I made an appointment with my doctor who then ordered the tests.
Last week I had both of them and was told I needed some extra tests because: 1) my thyroid nodule was actually two, and I would need a biopsy and 2) my echo showed that my mitral valve prolapse had re-surfaced after mysteriously disappearing for about 6-7 years and that both my mitral and pulmonic valves were leaking.
Oh gimme a break. This body is acting OLD all of a sudden. I guess in years, 60 (well almost 61) isn't a spring chicken, but I feel fine and I exercise religiously at least 4 times/weekly.
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
Yesterday I had my thyroid biopsy and I think I was nervous for the first time. I mean, someone is going to put a needle -or 4 to be exact in your neck. For some reason, this caused anxiety.
I called my friend Tommi, who was on my summer staff 2 years ago, and had undergone this procedure to find out what is was like.
It turned out to be just wierd. Numbing your neck is like going to the dentist for some dental work EXCEPT for the fact that it felt like the doctor was putting a golf ball inside my neck. He did a fantastic job that didn't need to be repeated!(almost 50% of these need to be repeated because they don't retrieve enough tissue cells). THANK GOD for small favors!
I was in the middle of my time with the LORD the beginning of this week, contemplating what was going on and had this clear, precise and defining word that : "YOU WILL BE OK."
I can't say for sure, but I truly believe this was God telling me not to worry or be concerned. That whatever the outcome of all these tests, that I will be OK. It was the peace that enveloped me that led me to believe this was a Word from God.
When I got home from yesterday's procedure, I immediately was reminded of the verse from Hebrews 10:23 that says:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is FAITHFUL.
What about you?
Is there something going on in your life that is causing you some anxiety? Something that might even terrify you?
Have you been laid off work?
Or promised a job that didn't materialize?
Have you received word of a diagnosis you never expected?
Or someone you love has heard that diagnosis?
Have you lost a dear loved one? and can't imagine life without them?
Do you have a child who has gone away? from you?
Are you agonizing over having your child leave for college for the first time?
Or scared of being an empty nester?
Has your spouse cheated on you? Or even left you for someone else?
Do you have any idea what to major in?
Or what you will do after you graduate?
Are there some just unknowns in your life that are scaring you?
Life is full of uncertainties.
We can plan as we may, but often times, our plans fail or don't materialize. We spend so much time worrying over things that never happen and that really gets us nowhere.
One thing is certain: We will not be alone. Whatever we may be going through, God is with us.
He tells us a few times in the Bible that
"I will never leave you or forsake you."
"I am with you always, even to the end of time."
Those are some of THE MOST comforting words in all of the Scriptures to me. I won't be alone, I don't have to face this by myself. God will be my ever present companion.
And He will be yours too.
So no matter what you might be going through right now, my prayer is that you too will know:
YOU WILL BE OK!
Due to a medical condition inherited from my father, I have undergone some medical tests and procedures that I have never done before.
HHT is an unusual bleeding disorder that doesn't involve clotting factors or the normal bleeding disorder factors. Basically my capillaries decide to make detours in some of my veins and since they are independent little suckers, who didn't think through this plan, they have nowhere to end up. So they decide to show up in your lips, your hands and feet, and often times cause some malformations in your brain, lungs and liver.
Following a painful foot bleed, I decided to check in with the doctor at UCLA Medical Center who I have emailed for a few years. After a few email exchanges, it was decided that I needed to have a further work up done and made appointments for some medical tests and a clinic visit with him in June.
I was an RN in the Bay Area for 31 years before I moved to Woodleaf. I have ordered labs, tests and procedures for patients countless times over they years, but this summer I got to experience them as "THE PATIENT". It was quite an eye opening time.
My morning began with a brain MRI.
OK so I've had an MRI before, but NOTHING like this.
I was strapped in and then rolled into a metal cannister type helmet which was directly, and I mean DIRECTLY -as in 2 inches from the MRI apparatus. I was perhaps inside this machine for 25-30 minutes and I have never felt so constrained, so cramped, so stuck in all my life.
I then was ushered into the CT scanning room for an exam of my lungs and abdominal area. This test was done with and without contrast. An IV had been earlier inserted into my arm and when the dye was injected into my veins, I was told to let them know if it burned or I felt short of breath or dizzy.
"Excuse me?? I might feel burning or dizzy or short of breath" Is this usually when you tell all of your patients? Just as the dye is going IN? " So screamed my mind.
Then i had a delightful appointment with Dr McWilliams and his capable Nurse Practioneer, Melissa. I was told that I had numerous spots on my liver, but my brain and lungs were completely free.
So I guess that's better than having them on my brain and lungs.
These little spots are the ones I need to watch out for because they could open up at anytime and I could bleed internally.
OK, so I will watch out for them. Umm how do I do that since I can't see my liver?? Oh I get it, when I have horrible pain, i should probably go to the Doctor or ER right away.
Comforting thoughts.
I was then informed that I should have a thyroid ultrasound at home because a nodule was seen on my thyroid and also I should get an echocardiogram just to make sure things looked good in my heart since I had a history of rheumatic fever as a child.
I made an appointment with my doctor who then ordered the tests.
Last week I had both of them and was told I needed some extra tests because: 1) my thyroid nodule was actually two, and I would need a biopsy and 2) my echo showed that my mitral valve prolapse had re-surfaced after mysteriously disappearing for about 6-7 years and that both my mitral and pulmonic valves were leaking.
Oh gimme a break. This body is acting OLD all of a sudden. I guess in years, 60 (well almost 61) isn't a spring chicken, but I feel fine and I exercise religiously at least 4 times/weekly.
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
Yesterday I had my thyroid biopsy and I think I was nervous for the first time. I mean, someone is going to put a needle -or 4 to be exact in your neck. For some reason, this caused anxiety.
I called my friend Tommi, who was on my summer staff 2 years ago, and had undergone this procedure to find out what is was like.
It turned out to be just wierd. Numbing your neck is like going to the dentist for some dental work EXCEPT for the fact that it felt like the doctor was putting a golf ball inside my neck. He did a fantastic job that didn't need to be repeated!(almost 50% of these need to be repeated because they don't retrieve enough tissue cells). THANK GOD for small favors!
I was in the middle of my time with the LORD the beginning of this week, contemplating what was going on and had this clear, precise and defining word that : "YOU WILL BE OK."
I can't say for sure, but I truly believe this was God telling me not to worry or be concerned. That whatever the outcome of all these tests, that I will be OK. It was the peace that enveloped me that led me to believe this was a Word from God.
When I got home from yesterday's procedure, I immediately was reminded of the verse from Hebrews 10:23 that says:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is FAITHFUL.
What about you?
Is there something going on in your life that is causing you some anxiety? Something that might even terrify you?
Have you been laid off work?
Or promised a job that didn't materialize?
Have you received word of a diagnosis you never expected?
Or someone you love has heard that diagnosis?
Have you lost a dear loved one? and can't imagine life without them?
Do you have a child who has gone away? from you?
Are you agonizing over having your child leave for college for the first time?
Or scared of being an empty nester?
Has your spouse cheated on you? Or even left you for someone else?
Do you have any idea what to major in?
Or what you will do after you graduate?
Are there some just unknowns in your life that are scaring you?
Life is full of uncertainties.
We can plan as we may, but often times, our plans fail or don't materialize. We spend so much time worrying over things that never happen and that really gets us nowhere.
One thing is certain: We will not be alone. Whatever we may be going through, God is with us.
He tells us a few times in the Bible that
"I will never leave you or forsake you."
"I am with you always, even to the end of time."
Those are some of THE MOST comforting words in all of the Scriptures to me. I won't be alone, I don't have to face this by myself. God will be my ever present companion.
And He will be yours too.
So no matter what you might be going through right now, my prayer is that you too will know:
YOU WILL BE OK!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I KNOW......DO YOU?
It has been one of those weeks.
You know the kind where things appear OK but inside you feel uneasy and not quite settled.
I can't put my finger on it. I just know that I feel a little "off".
A bit down one minute and then melancholy the next.
Wondering if God is really there when it seems like He is absent.
And not knowing why is just aggravating.
For that reason alone- not knowing why, I decided to begin reading the book of Job this week .
If anyone has a reason to wonder if God is there and really cares about him, it is Job. In one day, his life was changed forever. All ten of his children died, he lost his livestock-which were numerous and the means of his great wealth, and he had nothing left.
Then to make matters worse, his body became covered with painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, and his sweet devoted wife tells him "to curse God". Not much support there.
Along comes three of his friends who sit with him for one week not saying a word and then begin to chastise him for not trusting God. One after the other begins to accuse him of some sin in his life, wondering if he cheated people or harbored ill thoughts.
Maybe you know those type of friends. The ones who come to you when you have been going thru a long trial of suffering and ask you " Is there some sin you are hiding in your heart?". Not at all comforting and you begin to wonder what you might have done.
To go backwards a bit, Job's troubles began when satan came to God's throne and said he had been roaming throughout the earth. God then asked him:
"Have you considered my servant Job?"
Although I have read this story numerous times, this time I was struck by the fact that God is the One who initiated satan to tempt Job to forsake the LORD.
I guess He does that with us. He considers us and Job to be faithful. That we will stick to the fact that God can handle whatever comes our way. That , in the end, we will trust Him completely; that we believe He is faithful. That God will sustain, strengthen and give us exactly what we need during those times when life has us guessing if we can make it through this trial.
Oh, but it isn't easy. And it isn't pretty.
I know.
I have had enough heart wrenching times in my life where it seemed that EVERYTHING was falling apart, that I couldn't go on:
The unexpected, early death of my mom.
My sons running away from home because I had hurt them.
A child who was so distraught and depressed that they wanted to end their life.
My husband losing his job.
The death of my dad.
I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture that we all will go through really really hard times in our lives at some point. I hate to be the bearer of some not so great news but none of us goes through life unscathed. We will all face heart breaking, and what seem to be unsurmountable obstacles that have the capability of side-swiping our faith, causing us to doubt if God is even there. It is just what happens.
In the 19th chapter of Job, in the middle of hearing his friends reasonings of why all these horrible things have occured, Job says:
" I know that my Redeemer lives"
So I began thinking of how it is that I know my Redeemer lives and came up with the following:
It was so comforting to read those words today "that I know my Redeemer lives".
I know He does.
Do you?
You know the kind where things appear OK but inside you feel uneasy and not quite settled.
I can't put my finger on it. I just know that I feel a little "off".
A bit down one minute and then melancholy the next.
Wondering if God is really there when it seems like He is absent.
And not knowing why is just aggravating.
For that reason alone- not knowing why, I decided to begin reading the book of Job this week .
If anyone has a reason to wonder if God is there and really cares about him, it is Job. In one day, his life was changed forever. All ten of his children died, he lost his livestock-which were numerous and the means of his great wealth, and he had nothing left.
Then to make matters worse, his body became covered with painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, and his sweet devoted wife tells him "to curse God". Not much support there.
Along comes three of his friends who sit with him for one week not saying a word and then begin to chastise him for not trusting God. One after the other begins to accuse him of some sin in his life, wondering if he cheated people or harbored ill thoughts.
Maybe you know those type of friends. The ones who come to you when you have been going thru a long trial of suffering and ask you " Is there some sin you are hiding in your heart?". Not at all comforting and you begin to wonder what you might have done.
To go backwards a bit, Job's troubles began when satan came to God's throne and said he had been roaming throughout the earth. God then asked him:
"Have you considered my servant Job?"
Although I have read this story numerous times, this time I was struck by the fact that God is the One who initiated satan to tempt Job to forsake the LORD.
I guess He does that with us. He considers us and Job to be faithful. That we will stick to the fact that God can handle whatever comes our way. That , in the end, we will trust Him completely; that we believe He is faithful. That God will sustain, strengthen and give us exactly what we need during those times when life has us guessing if we can make it through this trial.
Oh, but it isn't easy. And it isn't pretty.
I know.
I have had enough heart wrenching times in my life where it seemed that EVERYTHING was falling apart, that I couldn't go on:
The unexpected, early death of my mom.
My sons running away from home because I had hurt them.
A child who was so distraught and depressed that they wanted to end their life.
My husband losing his job.
The death of my dad.
I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture that we all will go through really really hard times in our lives at some point. I hate to be the bearer of some not so great news but none of us goes through life unscathed. We will all face heart breaking, and what seem to be unsurmountable obstacles that have the capability of side-swiping our faith, causing us to doubt if God is even there. It is just what happens.
In the 19th chapter of Job, in the middle of hearing his friends reasonings of why all these horrible things have occured, Job says:
" I know that my Redeemer lives"
So I began thinking of how it is that I know my Redeemer lives and came up with the following:
- Because I know in the core of my being that YOU love me deeply and without conditions.
- Because You forgive me-over and over again of my same sins.
- Because You have upheld me and given me strength and courage to go on in the darkest moments.
- Because You have allowed me to keep living when someone I love was taken too early from my life.
- Because You have never given up on me- when I have felt like giving up.
- Because You have sustained me and sustained those I love and deeply care about- in the hardest times of our lives.
- Because Your Grace has kept me.
- Because You use me-that in itself is a miracle
- Even when I don't understand Your ways and Your plans.
- Even when it seems some of my prayers go unanswered.
- Even when life gets so HARD that I wonder how I will keep going on, of how someone I love can keep gong on
- Even when a situation, problem or trial seems helpless and unending.
- Even when it appears to me that You are absent and don't care, because deep down I know you really do.
It was so comforting to read those words today "that I know my Redeemer lives".
I know He does.
Do you?
Friday, March 16, 2012
And another year passes
Today is the day that every year, as soon as I realize the date, my heart skips a beat, my mind freezes for a moment and then I write the day in my journal and begin to realize how faithful God has been.
March 16th. I never thought one day would be etched in my mind permanently.
March 16,2000 was the day I held my dad's hand, leaned in and laid my head on his chest, listened to the faint sounds of his breathing, and told him I would be OK and to go home to Jesus. It was a bittersweet moment. Sweet in the fact that I knew he was going to spend eternity with God, thankful that I knew with certainty that he was going to heaven. Bitter in that I was losing the dad i had loved so much. Thankful that I had the privilege of being with him as he left this life and entered into life eternal.
I still miss my dad. So much happens that I wish I could talk to him about. His grandchildren have grown into adults I am proud of, my daughter had given him 2 great grandsons, and my nieces have given him four more. So much I could share with him. I miss you Dad and think of you often.
March 16, 2005 is another day etched in my memory. It is the day that no parent wants to experience. My youngest daughter, battling depression and multiple health issues, couldn't see any way out, and tried to end her life. Words can never convey the horrific feelings, thoughts and fears I had that day. i will forever be grateful to my Father in heaven, for saving her that day by sending two angels to find her and rush her to the nearest hospital.
In the ensuing years, I have watched my daughter, blossom into a woman who has realized her limitations, and begun to pursue her amazing creativity, married a wonderful guy who absolutely adores her and she him.
So I am grateful for today. For how I have known God's faithfulnes to me, in the hardness of this day and for realizing that pain does diminish and that it doesn't stay with you always.
And I need to remember it today...for today. Because I am watching someone I love be in pain today and pray they too, will know God's faithfulness. I guess I am wanting for God to be present to them as much as He has been to me.
March 16th. I never thought one day would be etched in my mind permanently.
March 16,2000 was the day I held my dad's hand, leaned in and laid my head on his chest, listened to the faint sounds of his breathing, and told him I would be OK and to go home to Jesus. It was a bittersweet moment. Sweet in the fact that I knew he was going to spend eternity with God, thankful that I knew with certainty that he was going to heaven. Bitter in that I was losing the dad i had loved so much. Thankful that I had the privilege of being with him as he left this life and entered into life eternal.
I still miss my dad. So much happens that I wish I could talk to him about. His grandchildren have grown into adults I am proud of, my daughter had given him 2 great grandsons, and my nieces have given him four more. So much I could share with him. I miss you Dad and think of you often.
March 16, 2005 is another day etched in my memory. It is the day that no parent wants to experience. My youngest daughter, battling depression and multiple health issues, couldn't see any way out, and tried to end her life. Words can never convey the horrific feelings, thoughts and fears I had that day. i will forever be grateful to my Father in heaven, for saving her that day by sending two angels to find her and rush her to the nearest hospital.
In the ensuing years, I have watched my daughter, blossom into a woman who has realized her limitations, and begun to pursue her amazing creativity, married a wonderful guy who absolutely adores her and she him.
So I am grateful for today. For how I have known God's faithfulnes to me, in the hardness of this day and for realizing that pain does diminish and that it doesn't stay with you always.
And I need to remember it today...for today. Because I am watching someone I love be in pain today and pray they too, will know God's faithfulness. I guess I am wanting for God to be present to them as much as He has been to me.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Fickle?? No thanks
Are you fickle like me??
Somedays I wake up feeling wonderful; can't wait to get going on whatever is in store for me. I bounce out of bed like I have somewhere important to be. Even tho that might mean just going to the kitchen to start the coffee.
Those days where I look forward with anticipation to what I think might happen.
I remember two of those days in particular. Both were the days my girls would be getting engaged.
Kristi's engagement was set to happen on a Monday night in December. We had all just returned from the weekend festivities of watching Katie graduate from Azusa. And we all knew it was happening except for Kristi. She called me from work that day saying she didn't feel well and was thinking of cancelling on Adam. WHAT?? MY MIND SCREAMED TO MYSELF??
How could I convince her she was OK...that it wouldn't be that bad. Afterall, he had rented out Pac Bell (really named AT&T Park..but whatever). She went that night and had the surprise of her life and it was absolutely an incredible moment watching Adam propose, from hidden inside the Giants Dug out.
Katie's special day was also in San Francisco. She knew that her dad and i were double dating with she and Nate for the day in San Francisco. We were supposed to meet the rest of the family that evening at the ballpark for the Giants game. We went out to lunch, walked around Pier 39 and all of a sudden, Scud tells her he has to show her a houseboat that our Friend Scott was thinking of buying. By the time we got there, each of her siblings had called and cancelled out of the game. Even then she suspected nothing. And then there we were at the marina and there was Nate's uncle and cousin ready to take them sailing. After mumbling something about how her father gets seasick, she began to supsect something. But on a windy yet beautiful afternoon in the San Francisco Bay, Nate asked her to become his wife.
Now I knew about both those days and was so eagerly awaiting and anticipating them, and they were everything and more than I had even dreamed of.
Then I've had days like today. When the temperature was 33 degrees, it was still snowing and we had no power-yet again. I had no desire to get up. I wanted to stay warm and snuggled under my down comforter and just go back to sleep.
How can I be so excited for one day and so gloomy on another?
Why do my emotions change sometimes as quickly as the tides?
Why can one phone call either make my day, or send me falling to my knees?
Why can i be so accepting of someone one minute-full of unconditional love, and within a very few minutes be so judgemental of someone else?
Why do I think I need to be in control of everything?
Why do sometimes the answers come quickly and other times, I shrug my shoulders and have absolutely no idea what to do.
Why could I be so patient with a baby addicted to cocaine or heroin, fitfully crying for hours on end and be filled with contempt at the mother who caused this?
Why is it Ok for me to be happy with the fact that someone who was unethical in their work is caught and so accusatory when someone I love is fired?
Because I am fickle. I tend to go too much on my feelings instead of hearing all the facts and reasons of decisions.
I change sometimes as quickly as the weather does here in the Plumas National Forest. Only moments ago, the sky looked bright, the sun was trying to shine thru and then right now, snow is coming down fast and furious.
How very thankful I am that GOD is not like me. He doesn't change His feelings for me -or anyone else for that matter-on what I am doing, have done or will do.
Malachi 3:6 says " I, the LORD, do not change"
Isn't that incredible? He doesn't change with the world news. He doesn't change just because someone says He does. His Word remains the same. Through ages past and into eternity.
He always means what He says. He doesn't go back on His word, He doesn't withhold His blessings and promises because of our disobedience, our rebellion, our wanting our own way.
He keeps Loving us, keeps pursuing us-no matter what we do or don't do.
NOTHING I can do will ever change His love and affection for me, or for you.
I am so temperemental, so wishy washy at times, so full of compromise and un-committment.
And yet GOD remains the same. Always. Forever. No questions asked.
Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever"
His constancy, His unchangeableness, is what makes Him so trustworthy.
Somedays I wake up feeling wonderful; can't wait to get going on whatever is in store for me. I bounce out of bed like I have somewhere important to be. Even tho that might mean just going to the kitchen to start the coffee.
Those days where I look forward with anticipation to what I think might happen.
I remember two of those days in particular. Both were the days my girls would be getting engaged.
Kristi's engagement was set to happen on a Monday night in December. We had all just returned from the weekend festivities of watching Katie graduate from Azusa. And we all knew it was happening except for Kristi. She called me from work that day saying she didn't feel well and was thinking of cancelling on Adam. WHAT?? MY MIND SCREAMED TO MYSELF??
How could I convince her she was OK...that it wouldn't be that bad. Afterall, he had rented out Pac Bell (really named AT&T Park..but whatever). She went that night and had the surprise of her life and it was absolutely an incredible moment watching Adam propose, from hidden inside the Giants Dug out.
Katie's special day was also in San Francisco. She knew that her dad and i were double dating with she and Nate for the day in San Francisco. We were supposed to meet the rest of the family that evening at the ballpark for the Giants game. We went out to lunch, walked around Pier 39 and all of a sudden, Scud tells her he has to show her a houseboat that our Friend Scott was thinking of buying. By the time we got there, each of her siblings had called and cancelled out of the game. Even then she suspected nothing. And then there we were at the marina and there was Nate's uncle and cousin ready to take them sailing. After mumbling something about how her father gets seasick, she began to supsect something. But on a windy yet beautiful afternoon in the San Francisco Bay, Nate asked her to become his wife.
Now I knew about both those days and was so eagerly awaiting and anticipating them, and they were everything and more than I had even dreamed of.
Then I've had days like today. When the temperature was 33 degrees, it was still snowing and we had no power-yet again. I had no desire to get up. I wanted to stay warm and snuggled under my down comforter and just go back to sleep.
How can I be so excited for one day and so gloomy on another?
Why do my emotions change sometimes as quickly as the tides?
Why can one phone call either make my day, or send me falling to my knees?
Why can i be so accepting of someone one minute-full of unconditional love, and within a very few minutes be so judgemental of someone else?
Why do I think I need to be in control of everything?
Why do sometimes the answers come quickly and other times, I shrug my shoulders and have absolutely no idea what to do.
Why could I be so patient with a baby addicted to cocaine or heroin, fitfully crying for hours on end and be filled with contempt at the mother who caused this?
Why is it Ok for me to be happy with the fact that someone who was unethical in their work is caught and so accusatory when someone I love is fired?
Because I am fickle. I tend to go too much on my feelings instead of hearing all the facts and reasons of decisions.
I change sometimes as quickly as the weather does here in the Plumas National Forest. Only moments ago, the sky looked bright, the sun was trying to shine thru and then right now, snow is coming down fast and furious.
How very thankful I am that GOD is not like me. He doesn't change His feelings for me -or anyone else for that matter-on what I am doing, have done or will do.
Malachi 3:6 says " I, the LORD, do not change"
Isn't that incredible? He doesn't change with the world news. He doesn't change just because someone says He does. His Word remains the same. Through ages past and into eternity.
He always means what He says. He doesn't go back on His word, He doesn't withhold His blessings and promises because of our disobedience, our rebellion, our wanting our own way.
He keeps Loving us, keeps pursuing us-no matter what we do or don't do.
NOTHING I can do will ever change His love and affection for me, or for you.
I am so temperemental, so wishy washy at times, so full of compromise and un-committment.
And yet GOD remains the same. Always. Forever. No questions asked.
Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever"
His constancy, His unchangeableness, is what makes Him so trustworthy.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This day
This day has become a part of my reality. Its a date I don't necessarily look forward to . But its a date for me to remember how GOOD GOD is. How faithful to me He has been to me. How full of forgiveness and grace and love.
Eleven years ago today I was with my Dad as he left this life and entered into eternal life. And that was a joyous occasion for me because you see, I had prayed faithfully for my dad for over 27 years to come to the LORD.
John Bluett was a man of great intellect, a sense of humor that I am so glad got passed on to me, and also very creative.
He was also an alcoholic and that caused a considerable amount of dysfunction in our family. I know that my siblings and I suffered much due to his drinking. I saw alcohol almost completely destroy his business. I saw alcohol destroy my parents marriage. And I remember hurtful times when it seemed Dad chose alcohol over me.
Even in the midst of his alcohol, I knew my dad loved me. Sure , he had a funny way of showing it. But I never wondered if my dad loved me.
Maybe that is why it was easier to understand God's love for me. Except this was a perfect love. A love that would always be there-no matter what. No matter how far I strayed, no matter how far I tried to run. God was relentless in His pursuit of me.
And He was relentless in His pursuit of my dad.
I remember my dad telling me the story of how about 16 months before he died, that God was after him. He realized that his time on earth would probably be ending in the near distant future. And he realized that he would have to come face to face with God. I guess when any of us really realizes that, we are forced to confront ourselves with the question, "am I ready for this? Am I ready to face a God I have purposely denied for years?". We would all get reflective and decide once and for all if we really did believe God existed.
Fortunately for John Bluett, he always believed in the existence of God and now He believed that the ONE who created him, desperately desired to be in relationship with him.
WE had some great talks over the remaining months of his life about God and how much my dad believed he missed because of his own stubborness.
I remember holding my dad's hands and whispering to him that it was OK to leave me, that it was OK to go to his real home...his eternal home. And I remember how sweet it was to hear him sigh, even while unconscious, when I prayed for him and said the name JESUS. It was truly one of life's most meaningful moments for me.
Its been 11 years now and I still miss him like crazy. There are times I just wish I could call him and tell him what was bothering me. And also to share with him life's greatest joys and blessings. I know I will see my dad again. I will spend eternity with him and Our Heavenly Father who gave us both life and for that I am forever grateful.
Five years after my dad died, on the exact same day, the other WORST moment of my life occured. I have tried to write about it but I can't. Suffice it to say, that someday I will try, but not today.
Today I can only rejoice in a GOD who loves me, who has shown me so vividly that He cares about what I care about. That He loves who I love. That He knows what I need. And that He has understood all my doubts and deepest fears. I rejoice in LIFE today...more than most days ...because He knows...because He cares...and because HE is the GOD who REDEEMS.
Thank you Father. You know how much I mean that.
Eleven years ago today I was with my Dad as he left this life and entered into eternal life. And that was a joyous occasion for me because you see, I had prayed faithfully for my dad for over 27 years to come to the LORD.
John Bluett was a man of great intellect, a sense of humor that I am so glad got passed on to me, and also very creative.
He was also an alcoholic and that caused a considerable amount of dysfunction in our family. I know that my siblings and I suffered much due to his drinking. I saw alcohol almost completely destroy his business. I saw alcohol destroy my parents marriage. And I remember hurtful times when it seemed Dad chose alcohol over me.
Even in the midst of his alcohol, I knew my dad loved me. Sure , he had a funny way of showing it. But I never wondered if my dad loved me.
Maybe that is why it was easier to understand God's love for me. Except this was a perfect love. A love that would always be there-no matter what. No matter how far I strayed, no matter how far I tried to run. God was relentless in His pursuit of me.
And He was relentless in His pursuit of my dad.
I remember my dad telling me the story of how about 16 months before he died, that God was after him. He realized that his time on earth would probably be ending in the near distant future. And he realized that he would have to come face to face with God. I guess when any of us really realizes that, we are forced to confront ourselves with the question, "am I ready for this? Am I ready to face a God I have purposely denied for years?". We would all get reflective and decide once and for all if we really did believe God existed.
Fortunately for John Bluett, he always believed in the existence of God and now He believed that the ONE who created him, desperately desired to be in relationship with him.
WE had some great talks over the remaining months of his life about God and how much my dad believed he missed because of his own stubborness.
I remember holding my dad's hands and whispering to him that it was OK to leave me, that it was OK to go to his real home...his eternal home. And I remember how sweet it was to hear him sigh, even while unconscious, when I prayed for him and said the name JESUS. It was truly one of life's most meaningful moments for me.
Its been 11 years now and I still miss him like crazy. There are times I just wish I could call him and tell him what was bothering me. And also to share with him life's greatest joys and blessings. I know I will see my dad again. I will spend eternity with him and Our Heavenly Father who gave us both life and for that I am forever grateful.
Five years after my dad died, on the exact same day, the other WORST moment of my life occured. I have tried to write about it but I can't. Suffice it to say, that someday I will try, but not today.
Today I can only rejoice in a GOD who loves me, who has shown me so vividly that He cares about what I care about. That He loves who I love. That He knows what I need. And that He has understood all my doubts and deepest fears. I rejoice in LIFE today...more than most days ...because He knows...because He cares...and because HE is the GOD who REDEEMS.
Thank you Father. You know how much I mean that.
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