Saying Goodbye to Robby

This will be a very hard blog to write but one that I need to so that I can process thoughts and feelings and questions that are in my mind. I imagine that some of you who read this are experiencing some similar thoughts.
I was awakened on Thanksgiving night and received the news that Robby Paine had died.
I couldn't believe it.
Surely this was a mistake.
But NO, it was a horrific reality.
My vibrant, fun loving, lover of people friend Robby, was gone.
My dearest friend in life had lost her youngest son.
Our family's BEST FRIENDS had lost their precious Robbo.

This is seriously WRONG. 
As most of us who knew Robby were, our minds were flooded with questions as to why and how. And one of the hardest things to process is that we might likely never know what happened.
As I write that, my first thought now is: Is that really the important thing? And NO, it isn't. What is most important is that we who are left behind will now live out our lives without Robby. And that's what hurts; that is what sucks.

Robby was my birthday buddy. Its the name we both came up with for ourselves. Although our birthdays were a day apart, we were still birthday buddies. When MaryKay was pregnant with him, she knew she would have a C Section and with the due date she had, she asked her doctor if he could be born on September 15. The nerve of that man to say it was his day off! So instead Robby was born on September 16, 1988. Our whole family was so excited to meet the newest Paine that I took all three of my kids out of school and we were at the hospital when he was born.
So Yes, I am one of the privileged few to say that I knew and loved Robby his entire life. And that is a priceless, precious gift I have been given.
I have so many stories and memories of Robby from his growing up years. I loved him thru his chubby years ( Paine loves chocolate) to watching him slim down and become a dynamite volleyball player. I am remembering gifts I have given him over the years and how my daughter Kristi was the one who gave him presents at our annual Christmas Eve gathering. With Todd and Tommy best buds, and Katie and Kelly as well, Kristi was left with Robby who was ten years younger than her to trade gifts with. She delighted in the fact that Robby was her partner in this annual tradition.
I cherish and relish the fact that both my daughters, believed that the Paine's were truly their family, and they both had Tommy and Robby in their weddings as ushers. Neither of them would have gotten married without those two being involved. And of course Kelly was a bridesmaid for Kristi and she was Katie's Maid of Honor.

As many of us have our memories of Robby, I have been overwhelmed with how many friends have stated that he was their best friend and made everyone feel special and loved and valued. Truly Robert Allen Paine was indeed a very special gift to all of us.
His smile could light up a room. His smile is something we always will remember. Even when he was late (aka "Paine time"), he would smile and try and get away with it. He made people feel so special. He was truly "present" with you when you were with him.
Gosh how he could make me laugh. And his humor-so great.

How do I (you) say Goodbye? This is something I do not want to do. Something Scott, MaryKay, Tommy and Kelly definitely do not want to do. Something any of us who knew and loved Robby dread.

For quite a few of Robby's friends, they may or may not know that he had a spiritual side to him. As a young boy, Robby asked Jesus to come into his life and be a part of his life forever. There were times of tremendous growth in Robby's relationship with Jesus. What a privilege it was for Scud and I to be a part of that aspect of Robby's life as well. I remember vividly going to his house on East 1st in Chico at finals time and telling him this was the year he was going to be on Summer Staff at Woodleaf. I remember him telling me " I need this", and we began to fill out his application together.
And so he first served on team 609 , aka sick with swine. How many of you became friends with Robby then? and how grateful are you for that? And then he came back for the August session that year. The next year he worked at Woodleaf on the weekends and the summer of 2010, he was one of our Interns that served the entire summer. What a tremendous group those Ninterns were!! I love them dearly.
It was that year when Robby really decided to pursue Jesus Christ again and he was in a bible study (scudlife) for 2 years with Thomas and Will and Scud.
So for me, saying goodbye to Robby really isn't goodbye. It is most definitely, "I'll see you again".
For me, for his family, for my family and for many of his friends, we know with complete assurance that we will see Robby again in heaven. That we will spend eternity with him. Which means FOREVER.
For whatever time I have left on this earth, I will not see Robby. But I will see him again and I will get one of his hugs again and live forever with his smile.
Some of you didn't know the spiritual side of Robby. Some of you might question that side and wonder how could that be. You might have seen him drink too much, do certain things that didn't seem "christian like".
But the truth is, that doesn't matter.
Every single person that has ever walked the face of this earth has sinned. All except Jesus Christ, and He is God's son.
Sin is basically choosing to be the god of your life. Doing what you want to do and not caring if there indeed is a real GOD.
I know there is. Robby knew there was.
Robby, like alot of us, realized that there was something more to life that just what meets the eye. That there was a "higher power".
Robby believed that Jesus Christ was the son of God and that He came to earth for the sole purpose of taking on our sin so that we too, could have a relationship with God. 
This might be alot to take in right now, especially as we are grieving so and our hearts are broken. What I do know for absolute certainty is that Robby is in heaven with the God he loved, and that he would like you to be there too.
The MOST famous verse in all of the bible is John 3:16.
It says:
For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. (New Living Translation)

This is what Robby believed. He believed in Jesus. He believed that he was the Son of the Most High God. He believed that Jesus died on a cross so that he (and me and you) would be able to live with God thru all eternity.
One day- who knows when that will be - I will see Robby again. I will see spend eternity with him, with Jesus.
Both of our prayer is that you will as well.
If you have any questions about this, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me (melissa.scudder@gmail.com).
I love you Robby Paine. Always have. Always will.
I miss you deeply but look forward to your smile and hug.

Gifts come in so many different ways.

We returned home yesterday after being gone for two weeks.
It was one of those vacations that I will always remember.
Our entire family went to Kauai for celebrating my 60th birthday.

60 was the age I never wanted to be. You know when you are little and someone asks you what old is...I always said 60. So I dreaded this birthday more than any other. I didn't want to be old. I thought I would become old right away.
Fortunately for me, I have been blessed by four children who love me and know me.
They got together and decided that going to Kauai as a family would be one present and surprise they could give me.

It was truly truly wonderful.
Scud and I got to spend 10 days on my favorite place on earth.
Its the place that everytime I go, I see so much of the beauty and diversity of God's creation.
The ocean seems endless-which I am pretty sure it is, and the colors that come out in the sun: from aquamarine to crystal blue make my heart swell.
I am a beach girl. I have loved being at the beach since I was a little girl. I was so blessed to spend every summer at the beach at my grandmother's beach house in Ventura. I learned how to dive thru waves, being taught by my mom. I learned how to body surf, I learned how to surf. I even learned how to become friends with a seal.

The beach is where I always would choose to vacation. Its the place I want to go whenever I want to mull things over, contemplate life or just be with God. Getting to spend 10 days in Kauai is  my idea of a vacation.
And to be able to experience this with the ten members of our family and a girlfriend was just what I needed to ease into the 60's.

I really did learn that age is a state of mind. Walking the beach with my grandsons, looking for shells, laughing at the huge sandcrabs, picking up sticks that turned into alligators, and playing in the water -well nothing beats that.
I got to play with these little love bugs on the exact same beach that i played with their mom when she was three.
It made me realize how extremely privileged I am to be able to see the ocean because there are millions of people who never had. To gaze continually on the magnificence of God's creation brought shivers to me morning after morning as I watched the sun rise thru the clouds. I am so thankful for the thoughtfulness of my children to give me such an extraordinary gift.

We came home a day early to attend the memorial service of a friend of ours. This special man knew for 34 months that his time was limited and he was real and honest with his thoughts and emotions. But he faced his mortality fully trusting in the goodness of God, that God knew the perfect timing of his life on earth. I loved how Kevin did everything he possibly could to take care of his family while he was living and for after he was gone. I loved how he encouraged me in my faith and provided me with more opportunities to believe in a loving , grace giving God.

Then when we finally arrived home, there was a call telling me that one of my dear college friends, who also was one of my bridesmaids, had 3-4 months to live. My friend Sharon and I have lost touch over the years, but she's one of those friends,  the type who will always have a special place in your heart. So my heart hurts once again.
I'm staring my own mortality in the face having friends my age end life on this earth.

So right now I am making plans to go to southern California to visit my friend, who will always be known to me as "Garb". I want to tell her i love her, that I appreciated how she made me laugh like no one else. I want to remind her of what a phenomenal friend she is to her friends and what a fantastic daughter and sister she is.
Garb always cared deeply for the people in her life and now I have the chance to tell her how graterful I am that she impacted my life.

We don't always get the opportunity to say good bye to people who we know are not going to be with us much longer.  So for me, this is another gift that I have been given. A chance to tell someone how much they have meant to me. Which got me to thinking how many opportunities do I miss in telling those I love how much they mean to me. Of encouraging and cheering on people who I care about. Its a gift we can give to someone everyday-if we choose to.
And everyone loves gifts!
They don't have to be a fantastic trip to Kauai. They can be saying goodbye to a dear friend. They can be thanking someone for their thoughtfulness, Going to someone's game. Encouraging someone in their work, their crafts, their sports abilities, their gardening skills, their musical ability. We all have needs to be encouraged, to be thanked.
Why don't you think of who you could give a gift to today?? That's what I'm doing and really going to try and do this daily.
How about you?? Gift giving is so rewarding.

Life is Unfair...learning to deal with Grief

Today my heart is beyond sad. It is aching and breaking.
Our dear friend, Katie Parsons May went home to be with the GOD she loved and served.
Her battle with pulmonary hypertension has ended.
PH won this battle but Christ won Katie for eternity.
Sweet Katie had been waiting at UCLA's medical center for over 3 weeks waiting for a double lung transplant. Her disease had made her lungs almost unfunctional. Her heart was in failure too, but in better shape than her lungs. So we prayed and prayed for her heart to be strengthened.
Two days ago, she developed an infection and her kidneys began to fail. Yesterday she went to surgery and had a port inserted and was started on dialysis. We were all so hopeful. And then her heart, which had been working so hard, just gave out and Katie left this life and entered eternity.
I am not sorry for Katie. She is forever free of pain. She is now healthy and whole. And she is in the presence of JESUS, and is joyful. She fought a tremendous fight. She was courageous beyond belief. she cared for others until the very end.
Not only was she probably THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I have ever seen physically, but her inner beauty even outshined her outward beauty. Katie had incredible pain in her life and yet she kept living.
AND then she and JOHNNY found each other.

Both of them had suffered extreme losses, and God brought them together.
On November 20,2010, I was privileged to be at their wedding. It truly was a celebration of life and hope and God's incredible grace.
That evening Johnny said he wanted to love and care for Katie for however long he could. Whether it be 6 weeks, 6 months , 6 years or 60 years.
God gave them an incredible 8 months together.
And Johnny loved Katie so well. She never doubted his love. And for those of us who knew her, that was the greatest gift she ever received.
Thank you Johnny May for loving sweet Katie so well.
And tonight my heart breaks and aches for Gary and Jeanne and for Hannah and Tots.
The Parsons have many many people who love them all over the world.
I imagine hundreds of people all over feeling this incredible loss and hurt and sadness that i feel and my family feels. There are so so many of us who are lifting the Parsons and May famiiles up to Our Lord tonight.
You see, the Parsons family makes everyone they are with feel special. Feel like you are so important and worth investing in. They love well. they teach us to love better.
And Katie Noel May was definitely a Parsons. She loved and cared for others with abandon.
So tonight, I am reminded again that life is unfair. That life doesn't work out the way we want. That the good can die young while evil people live.
But I want to remember Katie for the grace she extended, for how she loved others so incredibly well. How my life will always be blessed by the most beautiful blonde gal I have ever met.
That she would want us to go on. She would want us to live and she would tell us that she is forever happy now.
My heart aches for us...for all of us who knew and loved her. for all of us who know and love the Parsons and the Mays.
We will miss you terribly Katie. But our lives have been so enriched by knowing you and loving you.
Thank you Katie. and Thank you Jesus that you gave us Katie for a season.
Looking forward to eternity.

This day

This day has become a part of my reality. Its a date I don't necessarily look forward to . But its a date for me to remember how GOOD GOD is. How faithful to me He has been to me. How full of forgiveness and grace and love.
Eleven years ago today I was with my Dad as he left this life and entered into eternal life. And that was a joyous occasion for me because you see, I had prayed faithfully for my dad for over 27 years to come to the LORD.
John Bluett was a man of great intellect, a sense of humor that I am so glad got passed on to me, and also very creative.
He was also an alcoholic and that caused a considerable amount of dysfunction in our family. I know that my siblings and I suffered much due to his drinking. I saw alcohol almost completely destroy his business. I saw alcohol destroy my parents marriage. And I remember hurtful times when it seemed Dad chose alcohol over me.
Even in the midst of his alcohol, I knew my dad loved me. Sure , he had a funny way of showing it. But I never wondered if my dad loved me.
Maybe that is why it was easier to understand God's love for me. Except this was a perfect love. A love that would always be there-no matter what. No matter how far I strayed, no matter how far I tried to run. God was relentless in His pursuit of me.
And He was relentless in His pursuit of my dad.
I remember my dad telling me the story of how about 16 months before he died, that God was after him. He realized that his time on earth would probably be ending in the near distant future. And he realized that he would have to come face to face with God. I guess when any of us really realizes that, we are forced to confront ourselves with the question, "am I ready for this? Am I ready to face a God I have purposely denied for years?". We would all get reflective and decide once and for all if we really did believe God existed.
Fortunately for John Bluett, he always believed in the existence of God and now He believed that the ONE who created him, desperately desired to be in relationship with him.
WE had some great talks over the remaining months of his life about God and how much my dad believed he missed because of his own stubborness.
I remember holding my dad's hands and whispering to him that it was OK to leave me, that it was OK to go to his real home...his eternal home. And I remember how sweet it was to hear him sigh, even while unconscious, when I prayed for him and said the name JESUS. It was truly one of life's most meaningful moments for me.
Its been 11 years now and I still miss him like crazy. There are times I just wish I could call him and tell him what was bothering me. And also to share with him life's greatest joys and blessings. I know I will see my dad again. I will spend eternity with him and Our Heavenly Father who gave us both life and for that I am forever grateful.

Five years after my dad died, on the exact same day, the other WORST moment of my life occured. I have tried to write about it but I can't. Suffice it to say, that someday I will try, but not today.
Today I can only rejoice in a GOD who loves me, who has shown me so vividly that He cares about what I care about. That He loves who I love. That He knows what I need. And that He has understood all my doubts and deepest fears. I rejoice in LIFE today...more than most days ...because He knows...because He cares...and because HE is the GOD who REDEEMS.
Thank you Father. You know how much I mean that.