SIX MONTHS LATER

Six months have passed.
Six months now since I had two surgeries within six days for Medullary Thyroid Cancer.
Six months to heal, to begin again.
Six months to contemplate the gift of life, the fraility of life.
Six months to be grateful to be alive.
Six months to appreciate things I had taken for granted.
Six more months with my family.
Six more months with my friends.
Six months to keep on going.
Six months to know God's presence in ways I had not known before.
Six months to experience the kindnesses and thoughtfulness of so many people.
Six months to really love others.
Six grateful months.

I have realized again how precious life is. Especially since there have been "home goings" of some dear loved ones.
Home goings is my new word for when someone dies.
Death is so final, gives no hope.
But home going means I will see them again. On the other side of life on earth.

I've had ups and downs these past six months, but I am grateful for the opportunity to keep living; for as long as God allows.
And the main thing I have learned in these past six months is : I don't want to waste whatever time I have left on this earth. 
I want to make a difference in lives. 
I want to be used by God for His purposes.
I want to remember daily that life is not about me, but about Him.
I want to share the love, the hope, the grace of God with whoever I encounter.
I want to serve Him with reckless abandon.
I want to love like Jesus.

I am so appreciative of these past six months and more than grateful to be alive.

Am I learning from this cancer?

It has been 3 weeks today.
3 weeks since my second surgery. You know the one that left a huge scar across most of my neck.
I feel stronger each day.
Today I actually spent 23 minutes on the elliptical machine; 20 minutes at level 8 and 3 minutes of a cool down. The makers of my elliptical machine should give me more than 3 minutes to cool down. I think I need at least 6.
Level 8 is where I normally go on this machine. But the two times I tried it last week, I could barely do level 7. So today I am feeling a bit accomplished.

I know I will probably pay for it later. I'll probably need a nap in a little while; but I'm OK with that. I'm feeling pretty good considering its only been 3 weeks since my friend Tom ripped open my neck to see if any of this medullary thyroid cancer had spread.
Yes. It still hurts. I get shooting nerve pain at least five times an hour. But Tom says this is a good sign because that means my nerves are healing. I still get swollen. I wonder if someday I might share the photos I've taken weekly to see the progress of my scar.
Seat belts are a killer. In reality, they save lives. But in my case they sit on parts of my incision and it just doesn't feel good. I'm thankful for pain meds. I wish I didn't need them still, but I do. I don't take very many of them but I do still need them; especially in the late afternoon and evenings. And someday I will get to lie on my right side again and not feel pulling and discomfort.

These things are all temporary.
I still am easily moved to tears. As a nurse, I know this is normal after surgery, but as a patient, I want this to stop. I want to be stronger than the tears. I know I am...but still.

Has cancer changed me?
I imagine so but not sure of all the how's just yet.
I just know I am grateful to be alive. I am forever grateful for how the LORD has sustained me and my family.
In this past week, I have heard of two different families that Scud and I love, who are undergoing tremendous struggles and challenges in health issues.

I wonder why.
Why is it that I have lived a fairly long life, only in recent years, have I had any major health issues, that I am OK?
It is not for me to know the answers. 
It is not for me to question God.
I wish sometimes that I could take on the cancer issues of some dear friends and let them have my kind.
But I don't get to decide that.
What I have to do is to learn what God wants to teach me through this and how I can use this for His Glory?

So many times I am such a slow learner in the lessons God wants me to know. This is one time I don't want to be. But do I have any choice? Not so sure that I do.

What I do know is that life is precious.
We've all heard it said that you don't know what's coming; that our life could change in a minute.
From the moment I first heard it, I have loved Tim McGraw's song, Live like you were Dying.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiOcW_YR1G8‎

What if I lived like that? What if you lived like that?
The petty things that annoy us would seem so insignificant.
The people that bug us would not be a concern.
How we live and love each day is what matters.
Am I doing the best job I can loving the people God has put in my life?
Do I appreciate the giftedness in others and cheer them on? Instead of being jealous?
Do I rejoice when others rejoice? and weep when they weep?
Because that is how Jesus wants me to live.
To think of others as more important than myself.
To care completely and to love deeply.
And to seek God with all that is within me, because HE alone is the ONE who I need to answer to.

I guess I am learning a few things from this thing called cancer.

On Hearing....THAT word

Last Wednesday was simply amazing. And different.
I took my two grandsons to the beach. 
I have not been to the beach for eleven months and for someone who spent her summers at the beach, this was way overdue.

We arrived a little afternoon and those two immediately began having a blast.

Kellen and Jax collected buckets and buckets of sand and water and dug deeper into a hole that was already there. They played chase with the waves and squealed with delight. We collected shells and learned how to "pop" seaweed with our feet. Jax ran after seagulls and we tried to eat a sandy lunch.

We were joined by Kristin (Ryan's girlfriend) and Kim (her mom) later in the afternoon and had just a marvelous time!!

I was so glad to hear that the boys' mom had continued the tradition I had begun with her and her siblings on our beach days: a stop at Marianne's Ice cream in Santa Cruz on the way home. This ice cream parlor is a longtime tradition in Santa Cruz. I remember going there with my dad when I was a child. The building remains painted red so that you can't miss it as you begin your way to the freeway on the return home. I was taken aback by the prices though. I paid over $9 for 3 cones and got less than the kids scoop at our beloved Collins Lake, which costs only $1.50.

I was at the stop light just before the entrance to the freeway when the text came in. I read "not good news on your biopsy" and the pathology report was included which I didn't have time to look at but did see "very suspicious for follicular neoplasm".

And the light turns green.

Whoa. 

Get it together Missy, you have your two sweet little boys in the car.

Call Woodleaf and tell Scud and ask him to call our doctor because I know his office will be closed by the time we get home.

The drive home over the Santa Cruz mountains was no match for me. I had Kellen asking me questions about my mom and dad and gave him some family history. His sweet spirit and inquisitive mind about so many things kept my mind off the news I had just received.

After cleaning our sand toys and washing the wagon, we headed inside to take showers to get all our sand residue off us.

It was then while the boys were playing, that I had time to comprehend the news.

Neoplasm= tumors=cancer.

Its that "C" word. 

Cancer. It can scare the hell out of anyone who hears it.

As the tears rolled down my face, I remember telling my daughter on the phone the news and then Todd came home from work, saw me crying and he knew. I kind of fell into him cause I just needed a hug. I remember between talking to Kristi and seeing Todd that I fell on my knees beside my bed and told God I knew He was there and that He was in control.

As the late afternoon and early evening rolled on, I talked to my doctor at home and he had contacted his doctor friend in Chico who said he would see me the next day.

That required the 3 1/2 drive home to Woodleaf. I'm sure my kids were nervous; they knew how I used to hate to drive at night, plus receiving the news I just had.

That drive- with just me and God and KLOVE radio for 3 1/2 hours was exactly what I needed.

In my nursing mind, I know that thyroid cancer is the BEST cancer to get, because it is usually containable. But honestly, hearing the word cancer is frightening, no matter what type it is, no matter how old you are, no matter what the prognosis is.

Oh, there were tears. Not sobs, but tears.

There was fear. But not the kind that takes hold of your life and you can't move.

But there was a time of thanksgiving and release.

I knew God was there.

I knew I would be OK-no matter what, (see my previous blog on you will be ok).

I knew that it was scary, because alot of the unknown is.

But I knew I was OK.

I had such an incredibly sweet time with Jesus that drive home. And the words on the songs that night were just for me.

I wish I could remember the name of the song and the exact words, but what I do recall is that it talked about this life is not our true home. We are just passing through. That our real home is the one we will spend with God in eternity.

BAM. 

This is just another bump in the road of life here.

Thursday morning I had an appointment with my new ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat) doctor in Chico.

This young man was thorough and gave us statistics and odds-which were all in my favor. 

90% of thyroid biopsies that say they are suspicious for neoplasms are cancer. The fact that I had two different cells identified is a good indicator that it is cancer.

So sometime early in September I will have my thyroid removed and wait on the pathology report to see what happens next.

My fear is gone.

Replaced by God's peace.

Yes, I still can get teary. And yes it still is a bit scary. But I think anyone who has cancer gets a bit scared. 

My outcome fares better than so so many (90% cure rate in thyroid cancer).  I hurt for those whose cancers are not that high.

I wonder how come I have thyroid cancer when I have a friend who is battling one of the most awful cancers. I've had a "cancer prayer list" for years now. Do I add my own name to that?

All that I do know is that I am not alone. 

I have a GOD who is upholding me.

I have a husband who loves me and is with me.

I have children who I know are praying for me and love me.

And I have such good friends who are calling and checking in and praying too.

I am being held by Jesus and by His saints who surround me.

That is what is the biggest blessing is to me right now.

So although this news can be awful, I also know that the best news for me, right now in this time, that I am not alone.

And I never will be.