HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN

Many times I have wondered to myself if your life would be different if we had gotten you sooner.
 As a young boy, you had so much change in your little life. Not much seemed permanent until you went to live full time with your grandmother.
I know you were loved. It just seemed like a different love than I had ever seen. I wish I had been around to protect you.
Would you have been molested? Would you have felt secure?
Could we have done that for you?
Not necessarily, given that both your sisters were molested too.

But would you have believed in unconditional love? 
That you were worthy of love? Just for being born? Just for living?
That you didn't need "to do anything" to be loved.

I would have loved to see you play baseball or football as a little boy. I would have loved to help you with homework and seen that you were having a hard time with school and pushed like crazy to get you the help you needed to succeed in school.

But none of this was part of the plan.
We were not to meet you until your sophmore year of high school.
I vividly remember the very first time you came into our home. 
While the other guys played video games in the family room, you hung out with me in the kitchen. I could ask you questions and your would answer them. Immediately I sensed you needed attention and love, and because you are you, it was so easy to do.
We wondered why God had brought you into our lives at this time, in this moment and season in our lives.  All we knew is that we were to love you.

It wasn't easy. Because you weren't used to being loved just for being you. It took years and years for you to finally believe that we loved you just for being you.  You brought laugher and more craziness into our home.

And we went thru some of the hardest times of your life with you: the car accident that took your mom, the suicide of your friend, the bouts with alcohol and drugs. We so wanted you to know that we were in this with you for the long haul. But it was so hard for you to believe. Hard for you to accept love that you "didn't deserve", but that we were freely giving.
I remember praying for you in those years of silence . Asking God to just let me know you were alive, and then out of nowhere I might get an email or a text and even a phone call. And I would thank God that you were alive and that I heard your voice.

I don't even know how to describe what happened. I got a phone call from Stephanie, telling me you were in jail and with her help , she convinced you to let me visit you. And on behalf of our whole family, I offered you the olive branch. Telling you that we loved you no matter what, that we would be here for you, and wanted to help you in any way we could.
I think it was then that you began to understand unconditional love. That it was something we were trying to do, to follow how Jesus loved us-without any conditions or expectations and just love and support.
I am so thankful for Kristi and Adam and how they wanted to do whatever they could to help you-and Adam didn't even know you.
And then to watch you work hard on being drug free. What a tremendous task you undertook and succeeded in. I am so proud of you.
We have been blessed to have you as our son for over half of your life now, and I can't tell you how much you have taught me.
Perseverance is a strong characteristic you possess Ry-keep on keeping on!!
So now on your 34th birthday I want to ask a favor of you. And there's no pressure; just something to think about and then decide.
This is the time of year that I spend finding verses to pray for each family member. I am not even half finished, but yours was the first one that God gave me.

Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."
 (NIV)
or as the NLT says "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find Me"

So my favor is to ask you to seek Jesus everyday for 6 months. I know you believe but also know its been a struggle and you have lots of questions. But I truly believe that if you seek God with all your heart, He will reveal Himself to you in ways that you won't expect and your life will be forever changed.
I can help you with this. Or Dad can or Kristi, Adam, Todd, Katie or Nate would all be willing.
I want you to know the faithfulness of Jesus that I do. That He alone is the ONE who will never ever leave you or forsake you and that He will be with you always. Those are the MOST comforting words of scripture for me.

Happy Birthday to my dear son Ryan Matthew.
I love you beyond what words could ever convey.
Mom

My friend Tom

Grateful.
Well that isn't enough.
Amazed.
Doesn't seem quite right either.

There just isn't really a word. Or a string of words I can put together that convey even a hint of how and what I am feeling.

It was just 5 weeks ago.
I got the call saying that the biopsy didn't look good.
That I needed to return home for another doctor appointment.
And so I did.

In the past 3 weeks, I have made a new friend.
His name is Tom Stewart.
Tom Stewart Jr.
Tom Stewart Jr, MD.
Tom is my ENT. (aka ears, nose and throat physician.)

Tom told me that I had a high likelihood of having thyroid cancer and that the best option would be to have my thyroid removed.
We set a date of September 10.
Really that was 10 days ago??

Tom removed my thyroid and told me to go home and rest. That I would be sore for at least a week, probably two. Anything is more restful than another night in the hospital.

I think Tom missed me. Because last Friday (oh that's just a week ago too?), he called me and said he wanted to see me that day. That we would do my post op appointment that day instead of Monday.
So I was a good if not a great nurse for over 31 years. I knew Tom didn't miss me that much. That there was more and it probably wasn't good news.
So we drove to Chico to see Tom.
And yes, it wasn't good news.
Turns out I had a very rare form of thyroid cancer called Meduallary Thyroid Cancer. Of all the thyroid cancers, this is the one least seen. Its the type that can metastify, or spread. And it likes to spread to all the lymph nodes on my neck.

Tom, in his sweet way, told me I needed another surgery, and that he had taken the liberty to book me for this Monday.
This time, it would be a bit more traumatic. That I would have two surgeries in six days time.

I would have a modified right radical neck dissection.
I'm not exactly sure what modified really means.
Because today, I have an incision and soon to be, a gnarly scar that reaches from the top of my earlobe on my right side to two thirds around my neck. I imagine that a full neck dissection would go from one ear lobe to the other.

It is very sore. And swollen. And so is my neck.
But I am so thankful for my new friend Tom.
He spent alot of time researching my cancer and what needed to be done. He talked to his mentors from his fellowship days at Loma Linda, he read journals, he left nothing unturned. And he was thorough. He took all the lymph nodes around my neck and sent them to the lab.

This morning, we went to see Tom again. This time, it was a post op appointment and he took out my one remaining drain. Then he gave me a copy of my pathology report that said all the lymph nodes that were tested were clear and had no signs of cancer. 
And I thanked God.
Again, words are just not there.

I will always now have this scar to remind me of my new friend Tom Stewart Jr, MD.
A vivid reminder everyday that God has given me more time.
Time not to be wasted.

And as grateful as I am, I am also a bit baffled and wondering.
Wondering why I am spared of more cancer right now and my friends Nancy and Payton still fight courageously their horrific battles? Life just isn't fair.

There's so much more I could say. And probably will, at some point. You just can't go through something like this and not be changed.
Today, I am grateful for my new friend Tom and thankful for how much he cared about me right from the start.
And thankful for how God used Tom Stewart in my life to show me more of Himself and His love for me and my family.
At sometime in our lives, or in the lives of those we love the most, we all will need a type of Tom Stewart. I hope and pray that yours is as wonderful as my friend Tom is.

Wholehearted Devotion

Do you ever wonder....

• what it would be like if you lived as you were meant to?
• where you would be if you had taken a different path?
• how often you really were saved from a catastrophe?
• what it would look like if : You had not gone to a certain college? taken a different job? or a different career? had married? or not married your spouse? had or not had children? received word that you had a terminal disease or had a chronic condition?
• And how you would respond if any of the previous variables had happened?
• And has it really really made a difference that you know and believe in the One True God?
• what it would be like if you were fully devoted to God?

These random thoughts can pop into my mind at the oddest times. Often I wonder where they come from. Today I know why they are there. I have ben reading 2 Chronicles in my times with the LORD. This is one of the books that chronicles the lives of the kings of Judah and Israel.
In the past two days I have read from chapters 16,17,18 and 31:

" For the eyes of the LORD roam throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him"
"His heart was devoted to the LORD"
"First seek the counsel of the LORD"
"In everything he undertook...and in obedience to the law and commands, he sought his God and worked wholeheartedly"

What does it mean to walk wholeheartedly?
What does it mean to be fully devoted to the LORD?

For me, it probably means to:

Spend time with God everyday and talk to Him throughout my day.
It means going to God first for my questions and directions for my life-before I go to others.
To obey what His word says to me because it is always true.
It means loving my family in the best way possible, always looking for the best way to minister and encourage them.
It means Loving and caring and encouraging my friends thru good times and bad.
It means not being judgmental. OUCH that's a hard one for me.
It means to always be truthful, and to be loving even when it might hurt someone.
It means not watching TV shows that have no worth to me (and movies as well).
It means being committed to who HE has called me to be committed to.
It means trusting God even when life hurts so deeply-like when people I love die too early or are so sick with cancer or other diseases.
It might me being with people when I am so tired and weary.
It means trusting God when I don't know the outcome.
It means Waiting on Him -NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES .
It means taking care of myself and my body. Woops another one I really need to work on.
It means maybe only having one glass of wine (Yes, I love wine).
It means realizing that I might be the only person another person might see who knows Jesus-and am I truly reflecting Him?

It means trying my very hardest to be who He envisions me to be.

For now, it means reflecting Jesus in this uncertain time of my life. More than anything, I want others to see the realness of God and how I cling to Him when I don't know what is next.

I so much want to be the person that God sees me as.
Not the one I judge harshly. Nor the one that keeps sinning and is so selfish.
I want others to see the HOPE that I cling to. That HOPE is JESUS CHRIST and NOTHING less.
I want to be fully committed to Christ and to be fully devoted to Him and the things that are important to Him.
And I want others to notice that there is something different in me, something that can ONLY be attributed to my relationship with the GOD who loves each one of us so incredibly that HE went to the greatest length possible to show us. 

I want to be wholeheartedly devoted to Jesus; each and everyday, and in each and every moment.

     

On Hearing....THAT word

Last Wednesday was simply amazing. And different.
I took my two grandsons to the beach. 
I have not been to the beach for eleven months and for someone who spent her summers at the beach, this was way overdue.

We arrived a little afternoon and those two immediately began having a blast.

Kellen and Jax collected buckets and buckets of sand and water and dug deeper into a hole that was already there. They played chase with the waves and squealed with delight. We collected shells and learned how to "pop" seaweed with our feet. Jax ran after seagulls and we tried to eat a sandy lunch.

We were joined by Kristin (Ryan's girlfriend) and Kim (her mom) later in the afternoon and had just a marvelous time!!

I was so glad to hear that the boys' mom had continued the tradition I had begun with her and her siblings on our beach days: a stop at Marianne's Ice cream in Santa Cruz on the way home. This ice cream parlor is a longtime tradition in Santa Cruz. I remember going there with my dad when I was a child. The building remains painted red so that you can't miss it as you begin your way to the freeway on the return home. I was taken aback by the prices though. I paid over $9 for 3 cones and got less than the kids scoop at our beloved Collins Lake, which costs only $1.50.

I was at the stop light just before the entrance to the freeway when the text came in. I read "not good news on your biopsy" and the pathology report was included which I didn't have time to look at but did see "very suspicious for follicular neoplasm".

And the light turns green.

Whoa. 

Get it together Missy, you have your two sweet little boys in the car.

Call Woodleaf and tell Scud and ask him to call our doctor because I know his office will be closed by the time we get home.

The drive home over the Santa Cruz mountains was no match for me. I had Kellen asking me questions about my mom and dad and gave him some family history. His sweet spirit and inquisitive mind about so many things kept my mind off the news I had just received.

After cleaning our sand toys and washing the wagon, we headed inside to take showers to get all our sand residue off us.

It was then while the boys were playing, that I had time to comprehend the news.

Neoplasm= tumors=cancer.

Its that "C" word. 

Cancer. It can scare the hell out of anyone who hears it.

As the tears rolled down my face, I remember telling my daughter on the phone the news and then Todd came home from work, saw me crying and he knew. I kind of fell into him cause I just needed a hug. I remember between talking to Kristi and seeing Todd that I fell on my knees beside my bed and told God I knew He was there and that He was in control.

As the late afternoon and early evening rolled on, I talked to my doctor at home and he had contacted his doctor friend in Chico who said he would see me the next day.

That required the 3 1/2 drive home to Woodleaf. I'm sure my kids were nervous; they knew how I used to hate to drive at night, plus receiving the news I just had.

That drive- with just me and God and KLOVE radio for 3 1/2 hours was exactly what I needed.

In my nursing mind, I know that thyroid cancer is the BEST cancer to get, because it is usually containable. But honestly, hearing the word cancer is frightening, no matter what type it is, no matter how old you are, no matter what the prognosis is.

Oh, there were tears. Not sobs, but tears.

There was fear. But not the kind that takes hold of your life and you can't move.

But there was a time of thanksgiving and release.

I knew God was there.

I knew I would be OK-no matter what, (see my previous blog on you will be ok).

I knew that it was scary, because alot of the unknown is.

But I knew I was OK.

I had such an incredibly sweet time with Jesus that drive home. And the words on the songs that night were just for me.

I wish I could remember the name of the song and the exact words, but what I do recall is that it talked about this life is not our true home. We are just passing through. That our real home is the one we will spend with God in eternity.

BAM. 

This is just another bump in the road of life here.

Thursday morning I had an appointment with my new ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat) doctor in Chico.

This young man was thorough and gave us statistics and odds-which were all in my favor. 

90% of thyroid biopsies that say they are suspicious for neoplasms are cancer. The fact that I had two different cells identified is a good indicator that it is cancer.

So sometime early in September I will have my thyroid removed and wait on the pathology report to see what happens next.

My fear is gone.

Replaced by God's peace.

Yes, I still can get teary. And yes it still is a bit scary. But I think anyone who has cancer gets a bit scared. 

My outcome fares better than so so many (90% cure rate in thyroid cancer).  I hurt for those whose cancers are not that high.

I wonder how come I have thyroid cancer when I have a friend who is battling one of the most awful cancers. I've had a "cancer prayer list" for years now. Do I add my own name to that?

All that I do know is that I am not alone. 

I have a GOD who is upholding me.

I have a husband who loves me and is with me.

I have children who I know are praying for me and love me.

And I have such good friends who are calling and checking in and praying too.

I am being held by Jesus and by His saints who surround me.

That is what is the biggest blessing is to me right now.

So although this news can be awful, I also know that the best news for me, right now in this time, that I am not alone.

And I never will be.

YOU WILL BE OK

It certainly has been a summer of "firsts".

Due to a medical condition inherited from my father, I have undergone some medical tests and procedures that I have never done before.

HHT is an unusual bleeding disorder that doesn't involve clotting factors or the normal bleeding disorder factors. Basically my capillaries decide to make detours in some of my veins and since they are independent little suckers, who didn't think through this plan, they have nowhere to end up. So they decide to show up in your lips, your hands and feet, and often times cause some malformations in your brain, lungs and liver. 

Following a painful foot bleed, I decided to check in with the doctor at UCLA Medical Center who I have emailed for a few years. After a few email exchanges, it was decided that I needed to have a further work up done and made appointments for some medical tests and a clinic visit with him in June.

I was an RN in the Bay Area for 31 years before I moved to Woodleaf. I have ordered labs, tests and procedures for patients countless times over they years, but this summer I got to experience them as "THE PATIENT". It was quite an eye opening time.

My morning began with a brain MRI.
OK so I've had an MRI before, but NOTHING like this. 
I was strapped in and then rolled into a metal cannister type helmet which was directly, and I mean DIRECTLY -as in 2 inches from the MRI apparatus. I was perhaps inside this machine for 25-30 minutes and I have never felt so constrained, so cramped, so stuck in all my life. 

I then was ushered into the CT scanning room for an exam of my lungs and abdominal area. This test was done with and without contrast. An IV had been earlier inserted into my arm and when the dye was injected into my veins, I was told to let them know if it burned or I felt short of breath or dizzy.

"Excuse me?? I might feel burning or dizzy or short of breath" Is this usually when you tell all of your patients? Just as the dye is going IN? " So screamed my mind.

Then i had a delightful appointment with Dr McWilliams and his capable Nurse Practioneer, Melissa. I was told that I had numerous spots on my liver, but my brain and lungs were completely free.
 So I guess that's better than having them on my brain and lungs.

These little spots are the ones I need to watch out for because they could open up at anytime and I could bleed internally.

OK, so I will watch out for them. Umm how do I do that since I can't see my liver?? Oh I get it, when I have horrible pain, i should probably go to the Doctor or ER right away.
Comforting thoughts.

I was then informed that I should have a thyroid ultrasound at home because a nodule was seen on my thyroid and also I should get an echocardiogram just to make sure things looked good in my heart since I had a history of rheumatic fever as a child.

I made an appointment with my doctor who then ordered the tests.
Last week I had both of them and was told I needed some extra tests because: 1) my thyroid nodule was actually two, and I would need a biopsy and 2) my echo showed that my mitral valve prolapse had re-surfaced after mysteriously disappearing for about 6-7 years and that both my mitral and pulmonic valves were leaking.

Oh gimme a break. This body is acting OLD all of a sudden. I guess in years, 60 (well almost 61) isn't a spring chicken, but I feel fine and I exercise religiously at least 4 times/weekly. 
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?

Yesterday I had my thyroid biopsy and I think I was nervous for the first time. I mean, someone is going to put a needle -or 4 to be exact in your neck. For some reason, this caused anxiety.
I called my friend Tommi, who was on my summer staff 2 years ago, and had undergone this procedure to find out what is was like.

It turned out to be just wierd. Numbing your neck is like going to the dentist for some dental work EXCEPT for the fact that it felt like the doctor was putting a golf ball inside my neck. He did a fantastic job that didn't need to be repeated!(almost 50% of these need to be repeated because they don't retrieve enough tissue cells). THANK GOD for small favors!

I was in the middle of my time with the LORD the beginning of this week, contemplating what was going on and had this clear, precise and defining word that : "YOU WILL BE OK."

I can't say for sure, but I truly believe this was God telling me not to worry or be concerned. That whatever the outcome of all these tests, that I will be OK. It was the peace  that enveloped me that led me to believe this was a Word from God.

When I got home from yesterday's procedure, I immediately was reminded of the verse from Hebrews 10:23 that says:

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is FAITHFUL.

What about you? 
Is there something going on in your life that is causing you some anxiety? Something that might even terrify you?

Have you been laid off work?
Or promised a job that didn't materialize?
Have you received word of a diagnosis you never expected?
Or someone you love has heard that diagnosis?
Have you lost a dear loved one? and can't imagine life without them?
Do you have a child who has gone away? from you?
Are you agonizing over having your child leave for college for the first time?
Or scared of being an empty nester?
Has your spouse cheated on you? Or even left you for someone else?
Do you have any idea what to major in?
Or what you will do after you graduate?
Are there some just unknowns in your life that are scaring you?

Life is full of uncertainties.
We can plan as we may, but often times, our plans fail or don't materialize. We spend so much time worrying over things that never happen and that really gets us nowhere.

One thing is certain: We will not be alone. Whatever we may be going through, God is with us.
He tells us a few times in the Bible that

"I will never leave you or forsake you."
"I am with you always, even to the end of time."

Those are some of THE MOST comforting words in all of the Scriptures to me. I won't be alone, I don't have to face this by myself. God will be my ever present companion.
And He will be yours too.
So no matter what you might be going through right now, my prayer is that you too will know:
YOU WILL BE OK!

On days like this, I need to know...

Two appointments. The same day. The same time. In two different cities. With results neither wanted to hear.

The one said your valve doesn't open and close as it should. And it leaks too.

"well what does that mean?"

It means you have to wait and see. Wait to see your doctor. Your mitral valve is prolapsing. It isn't working quite the way it should and its leaking too.

All that from something that happened fifty years ago.

Strept throat that quickly became scarlet fever that wasn't treated quick enough and became rheumatic fever.

"Someday your daughter may have heart valve problems."

They were right. That someday has come again. Mitral valve prolapse first reared its head in my 30's and from then to my early 50's I had to take enormous amounts of antibiotics anytime I went to see the dentist. Which may still be the reason why I don't like going to the dentist to this day. 
And then all of a sudden they said it was gone.
It was still gone this time last year.
But now it has returned. 
I was a coronary care nurse for awhile, so I know what this could mean. If the leaks gets worse, I will have what we called a "valve job"; my mitral valve would need to be replaced. Usually by a pigs valve-which would probably mean I would want more bacon!! That doesn't scare me. I was a young nurse who took care of patients like this, and I know there are plenty of well qualified nurses that would take care of me.

The other appointment 700 miles north was a bit more heart breaking.

"You may likely never conceive."

" Someone should have told you LONG before this that you need to be seeing a fertility specialist."

Not what either one of them wanted to hear. Their hearts want a baby of their own.

And now another surgery is needed.

Endometriosis is a very painful disease that seems only to get worse over time. Katie has suffered with it for nine years now and has had too many surgeries for me to remember the number.

Now after three years of marriage and having most of their friends have had babies, or are expecting one, they are thinking it might be the time.

But sometimes time isn't on our side. 

With endometriosis, the more surgeries you have, the less likelihood of getting pregnant. 

It isn't the end of the world if you can't have a baby of your own. Its just the end of your dream.

That's the hard part. So many little girls play with their dollies as they grow up and they begin the dream of one day being a mom, whether they realize it or not. Then to get the news that you might not be able to conceive, well it is a hard pill to swallow.

All those girls that get pregnant that didn't mean to. All those sweet babies born to young teens. And then those who desperately want a baby, are not able to have one.

It just doesn't seem fair or right.

And it hurts-it really hurts. And you have to adjust your dreams, and your thinking and begin to hope that maybe you could adopt. And then you realize how expensive that is-and well the list goes on and on.

Where is God in all this? Doesn't He know your heart's desire? Doesn't he know how long you have dreamed? Does He  care?

YES.

He does know and yes, He does care.

And He is right there with you (us) through all of this.

He sees our tears. He knows our pain. And He weeps with us. because He is Our Father who loves us without any reservations or without any conditions and our pain is His pain.

Even when we scream at him, He keeps loving us.

I don't get it. I don't have His answers.

I don't understand His ways. And sometimes-maybe a bit too often- I think I might know better than Him. How completely ridiculous of me.

I want God to change the game plan. I want Him to allow my daughter to have that baby she desires. His Word says that He longs to give us the desires of our hearts, so I question Him and wonder if He really really knows how this will affect her.

Again, my stupidity shows.

Of course He knows.

His ways are not always our ways. 

His thoughts are not like ours. ( see Isaiah 55).

But what I do know is that God is faithful.

He promises that He will not leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5),

He promises He will provide what we need (Phil 4:19).

He tells us over and over again:

"Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged" (Joshua-in many verses).

So through the dark times, through the hard trials, over my lifetime I have found God to be utterly faithful to me. Faithful in keeping His promises. Faithful in providing exactly what I need at exactly the perfect time.
So right now, at this moment, in this time, I purpose to trust God completely. For Katie and for me. And if I need to, I will trust Him enough for the both of us.
Because I know in the deepest places hidden in me, that God loves me so completely. And He loves Katie more than I could ever grasp.
On days like today, I need to know that God is there. That He won't abandon me-even when I can't comprehend His presence. And I need to remember His faithfulness-through all the years.

I KNOW......DO YOU?

It has been one of those weeks.
You know the kind where things appear OK but inside you feel uneasy and not quite settled.
I can't put my finger on it. I just know that I feel a little "off".
A bit down one minute and then melancholy the next.
Wondering if God is really there when it seems like He is absent.
And not knowing why is just aggravating.

For that reason alone- not knowing why, I decided to begin reading the book of Job this week .
If anyone has a reason to wonder if God is there and really cares about him, it is Job. In one day, his life was changed forever. All ten of his children died,  he lost his livestock-which were numerous and the means of his great wealth, and he had nothing left.
Then to make matters worse, his body became covered with painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, and his sweet devoted wife tells him "to curse God".  Not much support there.
Along comes three of his friends who sit with him for one week not saying a word and then begin to chastise him for not trusting God. One after the other begins to accuse him of some sin in his life, wondering if he cheated people or harbored ill thoughts.
Maybe you know those type of friends. The ones who come to you when you have been going thru a long trial of suffering and ask you " Is there some sin you are hiding in your heart?".  Not at all comforting and you begin to wonder what you might have done.

To go backwards a bit, Job's troubles began when satan came to God's throne and said he had been roaming throughout the earth. God then asked him:

"Have you considered my servant Job?"

Although I have read this story numerous times, this time I was struck by the fact that God is the One who initiated satan to tempt Job to forsake the LORD.
I guess He does that with us. He considers us and Job to be faithful. That we will stick to the fact that God can handle whatever comes our way. That , in the end, we will trust Him completely; that we believe He is faithful. That God will sustain, strengthen and give us exactly what we need during those times when life has us guessing if we can make it through this trial.

Oh, but it isn't easy. And it isn't pretty.
I know. 
I have had enough heart wrenching times in my life where it seemed that EVERYTHING was falling apart, that I couldn't go on:

The unexpected, early death of my mom.
My sons running away from home because I had hurt them.
A child who was so distraught and depressed that they wanted to end their life.
My husband losing his job.
The death of my dad.

I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture that we all will go through really really hard times in our lives at some point. I hate to be the bearer of some not so great news but none of us goes through life unscathed. We will all face heart breaking, and what seem to be unsurmountable obstacles that have the capability of side-swiping our faith, causing us to doubt if God is even there. It is just what happens.

In the 19th chapter of Job, in the middle of hearing his friends reasonings of why all these horrible things have occured, Job says:

" I know that my Redeemer lives"

 So I began thinking of how it is that I know my Redeemer lives and came up with the following:

• Because I know in the core of my being that YOU love me deeply and without conditions.
• Because You forgive me-over and over again of my same sins.
• Because You have upheld me and given me strength and courage to go on in the darkest moments.
• Because You have allowed me to keep living when someone I love was taken too early from my life.
• Because You have never given up on me- when I have felt like giving up.
• Because You have sustained me and sustained those I love and deeply care about- in the hardest times of our lives.
• Because Your Grace has kept me.
• Because You use me-that in itself is a miracle

I also know that my Redeemer lives:

•  Even when I don't understand Your ways and Your plans.
• Even when it seems some of my prayers go unanswered.
• Even when life gets so HARD that I wonder how I will keep going on, of how someone I love can keep gong on
• Even when a situation, problem or trial seems helpless and unending.
• Even when it appears to me that You are absent and don't care, because deep down I know you really do.

My life's heartaches and troubles have not been as difficult as Job's, but there have been times when I questioned God. 
It was so comforting to read those words today "that I know my Redeemer lives".
I know He does.
Do you?